26 hours in a day

The surrender of hope, the insurgence of will

2012-02-15T19:23:00.006+08:00

It's time to get things straight. Every day I wake up and go through the same routine. Sure, so does everybody else, but mine doesn't take me anywhere. It's beyond frustrating to not know what to do with myself. Stumble after stumble, all I want to do in the end is forget about it but how could I? Every following day depends on what I make of myself today.

It's a battle, one which only I can fight. People will be there to help me along the way but winning or losing is entirely up to myself. Worst of all, most of the time it's a silent battle. One that's fought inside. I forget the number of times I broke down in my mind, wallowing in self pity, sulking at a dark, imaginary corner in my head. And the imaginary me would tell the real me that I need help and usually the real me would tell imaginary me to STFU but in the real me's mind, I know imaginary me is probably right. But every time I try to explain my situation to someone, I find I have no clue what to say and I end up in that imaginary corner again.

It gets old, people telling me I only have myself to blame or that if I won't do anything about it then don't expect anything to happen. Well thanks, Captain Obvious but I'm not Dr. Dumb. I know very well there is a problem and I know exactly what it is but I just lack the solution (read: motivation).

I gave myself a few scares recently when giving up and the S word crept into my mind. I couldn't believe I let that happen. But then I reminded myself that it happened because I've leveled up on how low I can go (Haha! Good one, eh? Up, low... get it??). But in all seriousness, it sucks.

It sucks to not be able to buy my girlfriend a gift for her birthday, it sucks to have bills run up, it sucks to have worry about the same thing day after day and it beyond sucks to find myself looking around the room to see what I can sell off for a few desperate bucks. What tops it all though, is to know I'm turning 30. Hah!

Believe me, it's easy to look in from the outside and think you've analyzed and come up with the solution but you actually don't understand. I've heard about 67 ideas from 49 different people (Yeah okay, the numbers are off) but none address the core of the mess because they don't see it and I don't blame them. Others on the other hand think I'm perfectly fine because I choose to paint a face on for them. In reality, no one really understands and I don't know how to make them.

Days have turned into weeks and then months and then years. People have come and gone but I stood my ground... not in a good way. I hate myself right now... I've never said that before but there it is. I don't even feel self pity anymore, just plain hate. Hopefully a productive hate. And I refuse to give in. There is no return from surrender. Besides, up till he was about 30, Jesus was nothing more than a poor carpenter but one day he must have gotten so sick of it that he stood up and said (something in the lines of) "Fuck this shit. I'm gonna be God." And the rest is history. Okay so he may have had some genetic perks but the message is still there.

Pococurantism

2011-11-01T19:41:00.002+08:00

Parents and the kid are away, sis MIA, CA working late. Home alone for two days now and counting. You don't know silence until it bounces off the four walls around you.

Pick random thought from brain.

Before I die, I want to climb the mountain, sky dive, rip up a race track in a race car, quit smoking and discover Atlantis... among other things. No shit. I'm guessing the last two would be pretty fucking hard to achieve but I still regard them achievable because a) Abandoning cancer sticks have been a personal promise of mine to myself, and b) No one's found Atlantis yet. They're all looking in the wrong place. Haha, fools.

A date with Christy Chung would make it to the top five of the list come to think of it.

But in all seriousness, I should really start thinki-.... Hey look, beer!

Race 6/B

2010-05-17T02:51:00.003+08:00

I wish I could say that Monaco kept me at the edge of my seat tonight but fact of the matter is that despite four SC periods, there was not much action again. There was a lot of good driving and a few attempts at passes but it's said to say that like Spain, this weekend was not a good one for F1 fans. Another commanding drive from Webber, an excellent charge from Alonso and a respectable performance from Kubica and yet there was no great moment. It wasn't about McLaren not putting on a show but it just feels like F1 is losing its flare despite regulation shake ups to improve its entertainment value. I was really hoping to have something good to tell about the sport this time. How disappointing.

------

She was right. I tend to record all my frustrations and take for granted the better moments like tonight. I don't know if it was mutual but I genuinely felt happy chatting to her about not much and being able to feel good about whatever it was that came to topic... maybe because its been a while since we had a stress-free conversation that revolved around the smaller things in life that didn't matter because lately, a lot of talk was on subjects that someway or another brought us both down. I know how important it is for us at this point to get our lives straight and put things into place but when she mentioned it, I realise I do miss recounting how we could go on and on about trivial things without a worry.

Another thing I've come to know from tonight is another difference between us: She wants to see the world and I want to see life... and from how I see it, those differences can be part and parcel for us. Cool...

Bleeaaaarrgghhh!

2010-05-10T04:03:00.003+08:00

Can't sleep wtfffftwwwwtfffffff blah. It's raining cats, dogs and elephants again.

Bore-celona?

2010-05-10T01:58:00.002+08:00

The 2010 Spanish GP saw a new domination by RBR with a few hold-your-breath moments but although it was a more entertaining race compared to previous years, I think Catalunya still proved itself to be a track that lacks overtaking and overall excitement. Webber put in one helluva great drive as did Vettel, who had to finish the race with hardly any brakes, and Schumacher, who finally showed he's still worth noticing, did good on keeping Button at bay. But as a friend commented, Hamilton's tyre blowout on the last lap or two was absolutely unnecessary. He had a solid drive as well, even passing Vettel during the first round of stops, and that rubber failure was simply uncalled for.

Hats off to Virgin for bringing both cars to the chequered flag... seeing that none of the other Cosworth teams did as such. HRT especially needs to get their act together.

Kubica and Sutil also had a good race, keeping the consistency that proves their worth, but if I had to choose the driver of the day, it would have to be Webber. Not among my Top 5 Favourites, but he undoubtedly ruled the Spanish GP this weekend.

2010-04-28T04:42:00.002+08:00

My nose is stuffed, throat sore and my head pounding. Yet when I lie down and close my eyes, I can't fall asleep because I have trouble breathing. I'm tired as hell right now and its annoying. Was tempted to pop a couple of Promethazines but I need to be up for at least half the day later. Got some stuff to take care of. And I recall the doctor telling me not to take the med if I think I would have breathing difficulties while sleeping because I might stop breathing altogether. Sudden death, as he put it. A rather peaceful one at that but yeah, he was quite straightforward about it.

Well its 10 to 5 and I feel fucking sick. Gonna try and sleep again, or just pass out. I wouldn't mind.

It's an orange weekend

2010-04-19T02:59:00.003+08:00

... because McLaren brought it home in style. Button led Hamilton to Macca's first one-two finish of the season. Hats off to the guy with the hot Japanese girlfriend; for the second time this season, his strategy gave him a win. On the other hand however, it was Hamilton's drive that proved his abilities and McLaren's true pace... that 'f-duct' or RW80 really does make a difference. He had a couple of questionable moments, but hey, that's racing for ya. I'm sure he took to consideration that there was no one in the way during his tussle with Vettel in the pits, and his move on Webber (which caused the Aussie a run into the grass) was clearly justifiable.

F1's 'great' Schumacher didn't have that great a weekend. Other cars were passing by him like he was in a Mini, and the camera shot of Petrov suddenly appearing on his rear wing through the mist to go on and pass him was cool to watch. Good to see the legend at least acknowledge Macc and Rosberg's form, which undoubtedly he was no match for. Although I still think he should have stayed in retirement.

All in all, Shanghai produced an exciting race thanks to the little bit of rain that came. There were quite a few noteworthy battles throughout and although Hamilton put on quite a show, the man of the race has to be Petrov. Despite being challenged by better machines all around him, he held his own and got some well deserved points.

It's quite close in the points and the Championship is still wide open. This season is turning out to be pretty exciting after all.

2010-04-16T04:49:00.004+08:00

Mind's been an ass again. Tried to put thoughts down but just can't string the words into sentences. Sleeping hours are really fucked up.

Fear, lack of inspiration, anxious, at a loss, tired... best I can come up with right now. I need a big jump start.

Blah

Literal black and white mind maps

2010-04-06T19:13:00.004+08:00

I sat down and did up what I'd like to think is my first actual (although not proper) concept and proposal. Its still rough around the edges, but I realised that the more I thought about it, the better the idea seemed to be. On the other hand however, I've also realised that its a lot more work and money involved than I'd like to think. So, the next step should be to prioritise and tackle things one by one.

It's pretty much decided that this is going to go through, although I foresee a lack of support. I know this can be done, I just need to focus. I have a shipment of motivation coming in, and excitement of materialising this doesn't seem to be wearing down.

It'll be pretty cool if such a simple idea can transform into a frontliner as hoped.

Sepang saves the day

2010-04-06T18:59:00.002+08:00

With rain messing up quali sessions on Saturday, most would have expected a rerun of Sepang '09 but would you believe it, not a droPetrovp of rain fell during the entire race. And that, together with McLaren and Ferrari starting from the back of the grid, made for the best Malaysian GP I can remember in ages.

Hats off to RBR for claiming their first 1-2 finish, and everyone would agree that Vettel deserved that win. But Hamilton's unstoppable charge in the first half of the race was just spectacular. Forget his weaving moves with Petrov; hardly anyone gave the LEGENDARY Schumacher shit for his less-than-sportsman-like moves throughout his career, so why make it an issue with Hamilton? In the end though, the Ferraris and Button did catch up with him.

Rosberg did another good job of out-performing his veteran team mate again, giving him a well deserved podium finish. Won't be any surprise that the team would decide in the next 1 or 2 races to give him priority... and then we'll hear Schumy whining and making excuses again.

After Bore-rain, Sepang definitely reinvigorated the season but it should be kept in mind that the exciting race last weekend was due to unusual circumstances and chance. It would be wrong to think Sepang is actually all that exciting.

"I went down fighting"

2010-03-31T14:23:00.004+08:00

So said Mark Webber of his Melbourne race. It was just racing, he claims. Too bad not everyone agreed with him, including the stewards. In the first place, Webber's driving was erratic throughout his home race and that last ditch attempt was more desperate than anything. He went down desperate. And Hamilton could have made up one more place if Webber hadn't decided to exchange paintwork with him.

It was still a good race though. Button's win was undeniably well deserved as was Kubica's 2nd and Massa's 3rd. Race was started on intermediates, so there was a bit of a tyre-gamble. First corner saw a few hits and spins but nothing too serious until Turn 3 when Kobayashi suffered a massive front wing failure (read: lost the entire wing) and slammed into a barrier before collecting Buemi and Hulkenberg. The two poor buggers never even saw it coming.

There were some good chases throughout, the best of course being in the final laps with Hamilton, Rosberg and dickhead Webber (the only front runners to go in for a second tyre change) giving the Ferraris a run for their money. The LEGENDARY Schumacher finished an unnoticed 10th after making up a few places, bravely battling with a Toro Rosso. It seems more and more likely that his return to F1 will be cast in the shadow of Rosberg.

Sepang is up in a few days. Word is that it could be another wet race. Let's just hope we don't have a repeat of last year. Two no-races would be pretty embarrassing for Malaysia.

image: itv-f1.com

2010-03-24T08:30:00.001+08:00

HFABBGLOVDU(=

Technology has evolutionised the way humans communicate

2010-03-21T00:01:00.004+08:00

All the talk about climbing corporate ladders, farming vegetables, disappearing into a foreign land... all I gave a serious thought. I would have been content with any.

Content. Being content is specific to each individual. I would have been content with waking up with her day after day, whether it was to get into my Maybach to go to work or to run the streets trying to make a buck or two here and there. And maybe that's where the line is drawn; Where our differences really play a part.

I don't blame her for it. Security and assurance are major factors in a relationship but they do come into conflict with love itself. I would never promise her that house on a hill when I know I have my own limitations. Yes, she was right to point out that I am not the most driven person in the world. I know that already. But it hurt to have her look down on me and see no more potential...but I have dreams too.

Maybe I picked it up from my dad or maybe its just me but I don't convey my feelings/emotions in the best of ways. I get told that I'm cold sometimes. And that's why she thinks I am indifferent to all she is doing for us. If only she knew.

Half of me wants to come up with something to tell her just so she'd stay. Even if it was merely a story. But I can't do that. Not because I fear failure or have an ego bigger than JLH's tits. If there ever was a time to say it, then its now: I love her too much to fail her, and I refuse to bring her along if I ever go down.

You want to share your happiness with someone special, explore new places, do stupid things and exchange how bad each other's day has been... but you don't ever want to be the cause of their miseries. No, not empathy. Love. And true love, (believe me, they don't just say it for fucks), is not selfish... Corinthians IIRC. Don't know which chapter or verse. I want her to be happy and to do all the things she told me she wanted to.

Mushy indeed. But I am not a romantic person. It took me quite a while to understand and accept this myself and I only did so because it was something I felt 'deep down'. No, not Australia. Never been there. And never was it a decision for me to evaluate the rationality of us. And that is why I would have accepted wherever the road led us, as long as I could sit on a swing with her 40-50 years on, all wrinkled and freezing from a humid afternoon breeze. But I am not the only one here. She has a say as well. And she needs that assurance which I cannot provide. If it were all a business deal, this is the time when you'd stand up, give the client a smile and strong handshake before turning to leave the room. Once outside, you let out a great sigh, knowing you've just screwed up the biggest proposal in your life.

Inadequacy. You only have yourself to blame.

I wish I could at least give her a smile before I turn around to leave. But I don't want to walk away. I just can't.

It's weird when you think of it... how emotions tug at your heart strings when all they are are mere electric signals pulsing through your brain. Non-living molecules dictating the path of a complicated, organic being. How strange things are.

If I had an oil lamp, I'd have already given it a few rubs and made a wish. I guess I had the fountain but my wish was short sighted. Next time you make a wish, be very specific. Trust me. But fact is, we're both hanging in the moment, unsure of what happens next. Or at least I am.

General post for undisclosed reason

2010-03-20T03:57:00.002+08:00

0355hrs. It's been a long time since I stayed up so late on a regular basis but yeah, the cycle returns... and does so at a very bad time. You know how you can just switch your fucking brain off and fall dead asleep? OK, maybe you don't know. Maybe you're normal. Lucky you, now go play with something dangerous. Anyway, the current situation dictates my perception of time and ability to function as one would like.

I swear if I hear that song one more time I'd run out and shoot at the next car that passes by. Good thing I don't own a gun, and I can't help but feel comforted (although sad) by the song. How many times has it looped? Well, consider this: I don't play the guitar but if I hear the song a couple more times, I'd probably be strumming it like I wrote it myself.

Bla bla bla, this post is really about blocking my thoughts out. For whatever reason, which are really none of your business since I don't feel like expressing them, I just don't want to feel right now. Not sadness, hurt, joy or a plain high. I just want to be grounded right now because I know that when I wake up later, I ton of bricks are gonna come crashing down on me. No worries, I have an umbrella.

Hmmmm.... so what's up with F1? Fuck if I knew. Schumacher is back, there's a MercedesGP, Lotus finished a race with both cars and Alex Yoong is still a presenter on Star Sports. It's going to the dogs, if you ask me.

And what's up with work? Well, like the songs goes, "Now its only work, each day bleeding into the next..." That's pretty much how its going. Deadline is approaching but I want all the details to be correct. Down to the 3mm alignments. Because.. well, because I want them to be.

Never start a sentence with 'because'. Primary teacher used to tell us that day after day but whatever. People tell me not to smoke or drink or drive fast as well.

0414hrs. Cracks in the barrier I set up in my mind are beginning to show. What will the day bring?

The garden that you would have planted

2010-03-20T01:57:00.008+08:00

Idk, the song just spoke to me when I heard it and I told you how it gave me an idea for us but I didn't tell you the context in which it was played.. what happened in the story at that moment. Come to think of it, there were certain and strange similarities which we can relate to in the scene. Freaky.

But maybe that's why it makes you sad.. maybe it was meant to do that. Maybe.

Welcome to the hottest time of the year...

2010-03-14T23:28:00.003+08:00

Its a heat spell that will last for the next 8 months and no, its not El Nino. The 2010 F1 season has started with the Bahrain GP presenting to us another boring season opener. Despite changes made to the rules, teams and track itself, there was absolutely nothing spectacular about the race. It was another Sunday drive and more than once I nearly dozed off.

Poor Vettel though, he deserved to win. And with Ferrari claiming the first 1-2 of the season, I wonder if their earlier double engine change was part of the plan. Like Gary Anderson kept pointing out, 85% of first race winners turn out to become season winners. Should I bother to watch the rest of the season then? Point to ponder.

Its a good thing that the top four teams are relatively close, and there's a chance of a good fight.. else this season would be a very dull one I believe.

On a different note, I find myself to be in a better state of mind than say, 2-3 months back and although things aren't exactly smooth sailing, I think that's the reason why I try not to delve into the troubles I actually have to deal with. Yeah, maybe I'm avoiding them but its a short 'break' from the worries for me, I guess. I'm not denying that I'll have to face them soon.

But sometimes it can be disturbing to know something. Maybe there was no hint and it was after all straightforward, and maybe that's what is scary about it. Point to ponder.

2010-02-04T23:53:00.010+08:00

You gave me a choice; that if I choose to stay and run this, I'd probably have to do it alone and yepp, I'd like to show everyone that I can walk alone and get where I want. But truth is, I still want you to be there. I'm trying to show that I've learned from my mistakes but I've come to see it won't be that easy a task to prove. A trial by fire, if you will.

I know you have your doubts but at the same time it would be a big let down to 'certain people' if I just leave things and come out short... but if it means having you around, then I'll have to choose a side. Although I hope it doesn't come down to that, I think I know which side I'd rather be on... because I've grown quite fond of walking with you and I'd like to go on if you're OK with that.

I meant it when I said my decisions are made with us in mind.

Just fine

2010-01-26T02:30:00.003+08:00

You are good at what you do. Believe it or not, you inspire me. Give yourself a break, you've not let anyone down, only yourself and only because you always put the bar higher than it should be. Times can be stressful, but I know you'll pull through like you've always done.

2010-01-24T23:42:00.004+08:00

I'm trying to figure out what exactly went wrong tonight. I really felt the day was going pretty OK between us but I missed something out somewhere along the way.

I understand that it takes compromise and I try to look at it from her point of view where a sketchy image makes it hard to comprehend the whole picture but we had two different perspectives of the conversations, perspectives that made it hard to meet in the middle.

I remember when I once told her that she's the only person I'd talk to about problems and when she used to just listen, or pretend to listen, eyes closed half asleep on her bed and at the end of my complaining she'd just say "OK, bb." I didn't care if she didn't know what I was telling her, but it was good enough to have her to talk to. But things are different now. She's different now. And I know it's me who changed her. I've put a scar on our journey and it won't disappear. I do however, hope to make the pain of it go away and that we'll be able to look back on it as a reminder of what we've gone through together.

It hurts that she suggested we end things nearly as casually as she'd suggest we go to a mall. But I'm far from giving up. She's asked me why I bother trying so hard, to which I never give her a straight answer because while she might not realise it, she already knows. It's that simple. No thesis or scientific explanation required.

I'm trying to keep my chin up now and pay for my mistakes but it gets hard sometimes. I know I owe it to her to not get annoyed or feel interrogated when she asks questions, and that she doesn't mean to miss the point or redirect the whole conversation we're having, but I miss how things used to be. I guess I just needed an OK bb.

Here comes tha...

2010-01-04T23:04:00.004+08:00

BOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!

WTF is going on here. No, seriously. If this was MTV's Boiling Points, I'd have won $1000000000000000000000000000000000. Too bad, it's not. Ho-hum.

I'm starting to enjoy this game of dodgeball. I must say, I'm getting good at this shit.

Falter

2010-01-04T22:08:00.005+08:00

uh,

2009-12-23T01:50:00.000+08:00

its teh 24th tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111 :D

Another day...

2009-12-21T03:13:00.001+08:00

just breathe (=

A new twist

2009-12-19T13:21:00.000+08:00

Things have just gotten from bad to plain weird. This has got to be a joke...

Hard times dude, hard times

2009-12-19T02:25:00.005+08:00

If I could have one night of good sleep I'd be happy. Times are trying and I find myself standing on a ledge.

At times, I don't want to do anything anymore. I get pissed off at myself when I think of it. I feel frustrated, depressed and desperate.

I hate pessimism. I think it's the worst sign of weakness. But I can't help but feel at a total loss. If you were in my shoes right now, you'd know how pathetic and helpless it is.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just want to not feel anything for a while. I 'missed' Christmas last year, and it looks like I'm gonna miss it again.

Memories are good

2009-12-16T01:16:00.007+08:00

Couldn't help but re-read my old posts and holy shit, I maek a lot of seplling eers... which I discretely corrected.

Re-read them partly because I wanted to take my mind off of the swriling mass of mess thats around me right now, and partly because I just miss her.

It put a smile on my face, and the occasional whoah did I say that? in my mind, but I can't deny that things have gone where I hoped they would be. And I've been thinking lately, of how things seem to have changed in the past year or so, but those posts put me right back to the start of it and reminded me just why I love her. Just a few that caught my attention..

------

Nevertheless, I do admire how now and then she can take that rationality, put it in her pocket and save it for a rainier day.

------

Hope she gets a seat on the train in the morning.

------

As long as I can help it, I don't want to let her down.

------

She flipped the whole day around and really turned bad into good..

------

I will make that catch. I promise. No T&C.

------

Fuck the road map, fuck the signboards, we've got a full tank, CD in the player and an open road.

------

Of course they won't make sense if you read them like that but that doesn't matter.. all that does is that I know what they mean. I hope I don't stray too far from the words I've said and if I do, I hope I'll find my way back to them.

And she's right.. I need to pick myself up and solve the problem. It's not gonna solve itself.

And it goes on...

2009-12-15T21:04:00.006+08:00

I still can't seem to get by one single obstacle without running into another and at times, it really seems ridiculous, unbelievable even. If there was ever an extended FML moment , the past month would be it.

At first, they make you scoff and go WTF?!

And then you'd have your jaw open while thinking WTF?!

This is followed by kicking a door and going WTF?!

Finally, when it happens yet again, you simply sigh, close the book and go to bed.

But shitty as these moments have been, and as much as I would rather stop dead in my tracks, I can't turn back now. Like so many other occassions in the past, I've taken another leap of faith.. only to realise the one I need to have faith in is myself.

Regrets stem from mistakes. But I don't admit to mistakes and thus I have no regrets.

It may sound egocentric, but I have no room to stop, ponder or falter. Not now.

I know I should take it as a test and use it to prove my will to everyone and myself especially, but I can't help like feel like its one big prank instead. To say I'm starting to feel discouraged would be reasonable.

Confront them with annihilation, and they will then survive; plunge them into a deadly situation, and they will then live. When people fall into danger, they are then able to strive for victory.

- Sun Tzu

Must. keep. marching.

Here's one

2009-11-27T22:30:00.005+08:00

In all honesty, it took me by surprise.

Maybe it was the lack of experience I have in handling such a situation - I've never had to deal with this many priorities all at once.

Maybe it was the lack of brain capacity I have that left me unable to compose a proper solution to each priority.

Maybe it was plain ignorance.

Whichever it was, I swear I never meant it to turn out how it did. In my mind, I balanced the situation as it progressed and acted (what I felt was) accordingly.

One thing I would blame myself for is forgetting the past and letting it rerun itself. Like it or not, people tend to judge in some way or another from the things you don't do rather than those you do. But in that sense, I hope that all the things I haven't done is put into light.

I can only say that I know that I've been trying to put things together. Unfortunately it seems, somewhere in the midst of marching forward, I missed something important; A slight detail that has the ability to derail everything.

But what really got to me though was the coincidence(?)

The strange familiarity made sense.

Rewind exactly a year ago.

An unexpected twist, a feeling of fear and a big WHY?

To say I feel helpless would be fair.. but also scoffable.

Someone's fucking with me, ain't it? Thumbs up to you then.. you're doing one helluva job. Why though, I must ask, do you insist on doing it when it seems I have finally put things together?

Duh. Of course. That's the fun of it, right?

At first I wanted to avoid it. The thought of how the feeling can break me down was more than scary. But no, I refuse to be drawn into this again. I know how much it sucks, and how far it pushed me to the edge. I can't afford to go through last year. So fuck the demons of my past. I'll stand here and face them.

Once was enough. I've learned.

Point is b, I love you. I want this to work.

Of trains and the future

2009-10-13T14:32:00.002+08:00

I'm not sure if I'm on the train, or standing on the tracks watching it approach.

The past couple of weeks have kept my mind quite occupied as I faced the dramas surrounding (or rather, engulfing) my workplace, and the opportunities that have presented themselves. I have learned to jump on the chance when it comes, but now I wonder if I'd bitten off more than I can chew. The prospects, should these undertakings be successful, are tempting but the actual work and effort required are of course worrying. It is here that her enthusiasm and optimism fuel mine, at a point where I'd rather make no promises and keep my reservations. We have a mutual belief in each other, though I must admit that her technical expertise is of utmost importance to keep this project in drive.

With at least two jobs lined up, the pressure builds. Planning needs to be done but I just can't put myself into gear, and my attention is not only divided between these two; It would seem that I have reached the stage where I can no longer just sit and wait for things to fall into place. The future beckons, and how I approach it will decide what it will look like. I've been looking into a few things, but I wouldn't say that any are even in an infancy stage. All are but ideas more than they are options.

Frankly, stress has gotten the better of me more than a few times lately. I know she means no harm when she talks about what lies ahead of us, but I can't help but feel the burden of the truth - there is no pause button in life.

So, with what I have going right now, I should feel that I'm moving forward and breaking into new territory. But with my mind uneasy and time against me, things could also hit me hard before I know it.

Shakespeare once said that all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players.. but he forgot to mention that all situations are props and how we make use of them affects the direction of the play.

WTF1

2009-09-18T23:06:00.008+08:00

This season has been yet another circus. A backmarker team (with all due to respect to Brawn GP) leading the Championship, Macca and the Scuderia off to a slow start, Massa's freak accident, and the latest of course, Crashgate.

TBH, I found it nothing more than a terrific coincidence when Piquet Jr crashed and Alsonso took the win at SG last year and never thought it could have been a setup. I wouldn't have figured that Briatore was capable of such a despicable act.. he was one of the sport's bigshots that I would call a 'good guy'. But in hindsight, how caould he be, being such a close friend of the devil (read: Bernie Ecclestone) himself. Such a disappointment. I do hope however, that the FIA will consider Renault's stance in the situation and not ban them, and that Renault will put this behind them and carry on in F1.

I'm glad though, that Nelson Piquet Jr is gone. He was quite a bad driver anyway. And his father should shut up already.

The 2010 driver lineup rumour mill is really going now. It seems certain that Alonso will be heading to Ferrari, and I believe he will be there for quite a while because I doubt Massa will be able to return to F1.. at least not in the next few seasons. Rosberg heading to Macca is a good prospect, although I kinda pity Kovy. But what I'd really like to see, is Kimi rejoining Macca! This would mean Kovy would be released, Rosberg would join Renault? FI? And Alonso would team up with Fisi in Ferrari.. actually it doesn't matter as long as I get to see Kimi and Lewis together in Macca because that would be my dream team goddamit Macca would you guys just sign the Iceman already?!

I get carried away..

And just when I thought the season couldn't get any more ridiculous, it did! Surprise, surprise! Last week I saw a headline that Lotus might return to the sport.. and a few days ago our DPM Najib announced the confirmation of 1Malaysia Team F1 for the '10 season. Holyfuckingshit! He has got to be fucking kidding! Malaysia has already embarrased itself enough in the F1 world by allowing Alex Yoong to enter the cockpit, and the idea of a team run by Malaysians from top to bottom is just kicking yourself in the nuts.

I would like to ask Najib and his sidekicks what exactly will be the objectives of this team.. Do they plan to finish in the top 10 by the end of the season? Or maybe next? Or maybe even top 15? Second last? Wake the fuck up. You don't just decide one day that there will be an all Malaysian F1 team on the grid. You gotta sleep on it. For a year or two.

And whoever designed that scale model of the '1MF1' car must be either A) a kindergarten student or B) an idiot, because its as ugly as fuck.

The Singapore GP came and went and frankly, I was too caught up in trying to get good pictures to really enjoy the race. But overall, it was terrific. The atmosphere, the beer, the roar, and of course, the company. The race itself was great, but it was the events surrounding it that made things all the better. I knew she wouldn't enjoy it much, but she stuck through it all the way and never complained. Even when she felt dizzy. And it takes a lot to sit through an F1 race when you couldn't give a damn about who's leading. Best race I've been too by far. Thanks bb ;)

An aunt of mine said that once you've attented an SG GP, you'll never want to go back to Sepang.. and its true to a certain extent because a lifelong dream of mine would be to attend every single race on the calendar. Far fetched. Its just a dream.

A good thing that came out of this mad season is that Alonso, probably because of Renault's predicament, will be joining Ferrari next season to replace Kimi.. and although neither camps would confirm it, Kimi is set to return to Macca, replacing his underperforming fellow Finn Heikki.. which means the dream team will finally be formed!! Or at least it will be my dream team.

Tonight I watched my cat devour a lizard. No, I'm not sick. I was just waiting for him to be done with his meal so I can pick up the remnants and flush it down the toilet before my mum or sis finds it in the morning. Unfortunately, the cat felt I was about to steal his meal and made off with the corpse. Hope my dad wakes up early..

This post lacks head or tail because it took a few weeks to complete. Why? Maybe I've just been uninspired of late... but something's building up and it looks good. Forward march.

Living with a sleeping disorder

2009-08-22T23:35:00.018+08:00

History

Since I can remember, I've always stayed up late at night. I recall spending time in my room playing with my Joes and Turtles or reading books which I've read ten times before, and although I had little concept of time then, I knew I kept awake pretty late. My mom would check on me every half hour or so, and I'd still be up, talking to plastic figures and making weird gunfire noises. She also told me about the time when I was even younger, when she'd have trouble making me sleep at night and the whole family, including my sister who would be asleep and had to be dragged into the car, would take a drive around town until I fell asleep.

All throughout school days I would have late nights, which probably explains why I hated school even more than the average kid. I only started to wonder about it however, when I was in college. Even after spending the whole day in classes and the whole night out with friends, I'd go home dead tired but unable to sleep. I tried counting sheep, dogs, cars, airplanes and stars.. nothing worked. My parents, among others, suggested that it was my lifestyle and caffeine intake and for a while, I thought so too. But after running tests on myself, I came to the conclusion that regardless of caffeine or nicotine or whatever else, come good night time, my mind just wouldn't shut off.

Conditioning

I've come to learn and accept that I have a sleeping disorder. And believe me, its not much fun. I suffer from what is called transient insomnia; insomnia that lasts for a few days up to a few weeks. In my case, it usually lasts for a few days or about a week. Insomnia, mind you, is a symptom and not an illness. Other forms of insomnia as I was told by my doctor were chronic (the most serious), acute, and a few others which I forget.

A sleeping disorder can become something dangerous if it interferes with your mental state. Thankfully, mine isn't that serious. I would say that it annoys me more than it worries me. Imagine going to bed at night knowing you have an early day tomorrow, but you just can't fall asleep no matter what. The harder you try, the more it aggravates you and your mind becomes more and more restless. The more restless your mind gets, the more awake you are. And before you know it, the sun has risen, your alarm clock is ringing and its time to 'wake up'! Its a vicious cycle.

It becomes difficult to concentrate and have your brain at full capacity when you lack sleep, but I've found myself conditioned to it and able to carry on the day as normal (or at least that's what I think). At times though, I feel robbed; Robbed of my actual potential and robbed of my time.

Perception

Given the option, I would prefer not to disclose or discuss my problem with anyone. Why? Simply because from experience, people tend to shrug it off or see it as an excuse. They either don't believe you, or they don't understand. They wonder why you're in a bad mood the whole day or whether you're on drugs. Can't really blame them actually.

Most would tell you that all you have to do is change your lifestyle or stop drinking coffee. Honestly, if it was that simple, then I swear world peace will become a reality. But it's not. I wish I had a Sleeping Disorders for the Shallow Minded book to give away every time someone thought I was just being an ass. You try staying awake for a 24 hours or more.

Promethazine

Until now, I've been given at least five different drugs (a couple of which I never told my parents about) to help me. But because I was diagnosed with only transient insomnia, doctors refuse to give me real sleeping pills and insist that I try to overcome it naturally.

The strongest I've been prescribed is Promethazine and anything less effective than that is worthless to me. Promethazine is primarily used for flus or runny noses, IIRC. It works as an antihistamine but has notable sedative properties as well. The first couple of times I took it, I got a bit high. The doctor never warned me about that. It did however, put me to sleep for a good 12 hours at least. I woke up groggy and in a daze.. a side effect which i was warned about. Since then, I tried not to take it unless it was absolutely necessary or it was the weekend. I have to say that its effect on me seems to be wearing down.. but I have to admit that being sedated can be quite a nice feeling.

Acceptance

I now understand my disorder, and I know that I can help myself lessen its presence. I've learned to recognise when my insomnia is returning and I'd take 'preventive ' measures. Which usually doesn't work. But at least I can brace myself for the sleepless nights ahead.

Although I've come to live with and think not much of it, At times I still wish I was normal. I tend to forget when it's gone and I get angry with myself when it hits me. It may not be life threatening, but it can be depressing. So the next time someone tells you they live with a sleeping disorder, remember that it's more serious than it sounds. It can fuck you up quite a bit.

Random midnight

2009-08-13T00:50:00.009+08:00

It's surprising sometimes what conversation or reply one random sentence can generate. I posted an out-of-the-blue, JFF status update on my MW FB account which read, all i want is everything is that too much too ask. I have to admit that its not an original, but I always thought it held the simple fact that in truth, we all want what we want, regardless of how ridiculous, insane or impossible.. and regardless of whether we admit it or not.

A comment came soon after, one which was totally unexpected. Now, the majority of people in my MW FB account are unknown to me, because yeah, it was created solely for MW. Anyway, a lady posted this:

NO. I have decided that recently. There is *nothing*, wrong with going after what you really want, even if it seems like you're about to turn the whole world upside down. It's worth it just to TRY. What's the point in living if you don't at least TRY? ♥ I can't post this on my own page, but I can post it on yours... I have recently decided that I'm transferring my work license and moving back across the country to go after an ex who is now engaged to be married, just because I have this gut feeling that it's going to somehow work out. Stupid? Yes. Overly hopeful? Yes. But am I still going for "everything," despite what seems impossible? Yeah, I am. It's not too much to ask for if that's what you really want. (Unless, of course, you were just referring to your Mafia wish list, in which case, never mind just ignore me!!) :)

It left me kinda dumbfounded for a minute. Did I just open a helpline? I was gonna reply with a "haha, good one!" or something like that, but I realised that this wasn't just some random, nonsensical comment. My genius brain told me that this was a straight-from-the-heart admittance spurred by opportunity. An opportunity that manifested itself in the form of a status update. It was all too familiar, what she had said. So I replied,

wow. not an answer i was expexting, but wow! i agree. u should go for what u want or at least try. i recently took a big leap myself, despite how the odds were against me. and things worked out, thankfully. but even if they didn't, i knew i could tell myself i at least tried and i wouldn't have had to look back one day and wonder "what if..?"

all the best in your leap, i hope things turn out for the better. but i also hope u at least have a plan b in mind, even if its just a vague one.

and yepp, at the end of the day, what u want is all that should matter ;)

i wouldnt mind if u could fulfill my MW wishlist though :D jk

good luck!

And I honestly believe in that. Once in a while you should put aside worries, stop reading warning signs and go get what you want. And at the end of the day, should it all fail, you know that there will be no dreaded "what if..?" to haunt you.

So take a leap.. because being in the air is a nice feeling. Touching down on the other side to be greeted by a familiar smile however, is priceless ;)

August 1st

2009-08-02T02:20:00.007+08:00

I'm taking a slightly different path this morning to express something I otherwise keep to a minimal on this blog: Malaysian politics.

A reported 20,000 people gathered to protest the ISA and to hand over a memorandum to the Royal Palace in KL on Saturday. While no direct reports were made that the crowds were physically violent, there were numerous reports of the cops firing water cannons and tear gas and making arrests. Why? Were the authorities threatened by automatic rifles or bombs or handguns or even knives? No. It was just another clear sign of uneccessary police brutality. Suffices to say that the rationale of the Malaysian police force (and government as well) is "I'm in charge, I can do what I want. So fuck you."

The memorandum never reached the palace.

Our PM, Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak, in all his wisdom, stated that the arrested protestors will have to deal with the consequences of their own stubborness, because he had already warned them not to participate but they did. My dear sir, don't you think that a 20,000 strong crowd was a good enough reason for YOU to listen to the people instead and maybe take heed? So much for being the people's PM.

On the other hand, the pro-ISA rally leader walked through the police barricade, alone and without police harrassment, to hand in their own memorandum. How come? Did he have magical powers of invisibility?? No. It was simply because the pro movement had cancelled their rally to show that they were not barbaric like those anti-ISA fools. No, these guys were rational, gentle, ass-kissing puppets.

This country is going down the drain faster than a speeding bullet and its pathetic.

Welcome to Malaysia.

A reason why

2009-07-31T15:40:00.004+08:00

s y t h j n says (3:36 PM):

b.. wat if i go there to work and get so drawn into it that i become workaholic and stay in the office from 8 to 10 every day

and expect dinner to be hot

>>Jos<< says (3:39 PM):

Cool then I'd work late n meet u fir hot dinner or rather, supper then we head home yo sleep

If ur a workaholic then I can spend time dd other stuff too ma

>>Jos<< says (3:40 PM):

Or maybe go for yoga class or hv drinks while waiting for u to go hm together

Or buy u surprise hokkien mee to ur office coz u got no time to eat

The rollercoaster that is F1

2009-07-31T12:03:00.005+08:00

So Mosley has promised to stand down after his term ends and the all teams have signed on for the 2010 season, which means a compromise has been reached between the FIA and FOTA. But a few days ago, to the shock of many, BMW confirmed that their F1 participation will come to an end at the close of the '09 season. WTF? Despite doing so well in the past few years and being a big manufacturer team and being among the top five teams this season (although struggling slightly), they've decided to quit? Such a shame. The team itself might be feeling disgusted at the decision, but there's not much they can do; Orders came from the guys in suits sitting on plush leather chairs in an air-conditioned room and have no F1 passion whatsoever, who only worry about how the sport's costs will make their wallets a bit thinner. They should be ashamed of themselves. FOTA on the other hand, is finding a way to keep the team on the grid. I hope they succeed.

Word in the paddock is that Kubica might be picked up by Ferrari, but I wonder if it will be to replace Massa or Raikkonen. Hmmm.. The Iceman seems to have lost some of his flare for the cockpit and there has been talk of him leaving in the near future, but I still regard him as the quickest driver out there and still my favourite despite him driving for the Scuderia. And the bugger's got attitude.

Speaking of Ferrari, what happened to Massa last week was horrible. I never liked the guy and I've said before that he'll never be World Champion, but I never thought that this would be the reason why. His accident was a clear example of what freakish disasters can happen in F1. Speedy recovery, dude.

With Massa out, you would have thought that Ferrari would put one of their hardworking and deserving test drivers in as a replacement, but NO, the top brass got high on some shit and decided that Michael Schumacher would make his SPECTACULAR RETURN to F1 and race alongside Raikkonen and everyone one will be on their feet cheering the great man. Heh. Fuck off, Schumy. You're yesterday's news and yes, you're still a cheater. Oh, and you were never the Stig. Go put those headphones back on and stay in one corner of the pit garage. Quietly.

Kimi must be fucking pissed to have that idiot race alongside Schumacher. But hey, now the Iceman and Hamilton have the opportunity to show the Tifosi that he doesn't belong in F1 anymore. Yeah, I'm a Schumy-hater. Sue me.

The good news though, is that Macca are back on top. Hamilton scored his maiden '09 victory at Hungary and while its only one race, the car looks to be on form. If things keep up like this, he'll have Raikkonen and RBR on his tail, and Vettel and Button not far behind, I can look foward to a great Singapore GP in September.

Nice.

4c 65 74 20 68 65 72 20 62 65 20 68 61 70 70 79

2009-07-11T00:08:00.001+08:00

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Was going to be an F1 topic but I got carried away

2009-07-06T23:26:00.005+08:00

So Max Mosley confirmed that he won't be running for the FIA presidency anymore and the teams have signed on for next season. Looks like a breakway series has once again been foiled. Old news. I'd like to think that the biggest winners in this situation are the fans, but the continuation of F1 (I give it two more seasons before we see another breakway threat) ultimately means that Ecclestone's pockets won't go empty, which means.. yepp, he's still laughing all the way to the bank.

I don't think the teams are 100% happy that they chose to stay on, and I;m sure neither are the fans, but at least the F1 world showed that a dictatorship can be brought down by the threat of a revolution, or civil war.. which incidentally, my country is in need of. Being a passive society has only made the puppetmasters become ever more brazen. It is obvious there is much discontent among the people, so where is the violence that is spurred by unanimous hatred, and that brings about complacency and change?

Si vis pacem, para bellvm.

Or, another way to put it (and I try to live by this quote), "Many a false step is made by standing still." Seriously, if you don't do shit, then don't expect anything. The world is not going to throw you a bone just because you sit in a corner feeling sorry for yourself all day and beer isn't going to drink itself :D

Which reminds me that I should really start looking into what we're going to do not too far down the road. A lot of things have come to mind, but proper consideration and detailed planning needs to be done first. Tectonic plates won't appear beneath the South China Sea and bring Borneo crashing into Singapore thus eliminating the distance, so we have to work something else out.

She is the euphoria I lose myself in, and she is the burning star that guides me to shore after the high has passed. Yeah, that was pretty unrelated and cheesy but fuck you, this is my blog.

"Fuck it..."

2009-07-01T01:43:00.003+08:00

Ra-tion-al

1. Having or exercising the ability to reason.

2. Of sound mind; sane.

3. Consistent with or based on reason; logical

The definitions however, are arguable in a sense that what a person deems logical or reasonable may be subject to variables in a specific situation; for example, in normal cases, jumping out of a third floor window would be plain stupid. But with a fire blocking your only exit and thick smoke reducing the amount of oxygen intake into your lungs thus reducing your brain's effectiveness, that window becomes a very sensible route.

Her ability to reason and stay on the better side of rationality is something I look up to. While I have tried to duplicate that trait and apply it to my ownself, I still find it easier to do things as I always have - jump now, look later.

Nevertheless, I do admire how now and then she can take that rationality, put it in her pocket and save it for a rainier day. Though rare, her spontaneity surprises me and more often that not, it does so in a pleasant way.

I like how she's logical and thinks in a long-term manner, but getting a plane ticket without giving it much thought because 'a month' sounds so fucking far away seems very sensible (=

Distance is a real fucking bitch

2009-06-25T01:03:00.000+08:00

As above. Fuck.

FOTA and the breakway series

2009-06-22T22:52:00.005+08:00

Talk of a breakway series from F1 isn't new. In recent years, F1 has suffered quite a bit with all the rule changes and restrictions but this season, Mosley's taken it a step too far. From a fan's POV, F1, in the first place, should not be restricted to budget caps or engine homologations or even rev limits. I watch F1 because its F1 and not GP2 or F3 or A1. I watch F1 because you've got the best drivers in the sport and the fastest, most technological machines available. F1 btw, has been the pioneer for many gadgets and advancements in your every day car, so don't ever think that the sport is irrelevant to casual drivers like you and me. So, to standardize the cars and engines in F1 and limiting spending by more than half is pretty much to render the sport useless. Let's go karting instead.

And that is why a new series would be most welcomed; rules and regulations would be consistent in terms that it will be the participating teams who set them, cars and engines would be developed more relevantly, and drivers would be pushed to perform more competitively! Yeahhhh!!!!11

Hopefully , if the new series takes off, we'll see a diversity in F1 like that of the 70s-80s period, although not as dramatic, ie six-wheeled cars! But it will be nice to see advanced experimental technology make its way back into motor racing.

Its quite obvious by now that should FOTA go ahead with its plans, F1 will die along with Mosley and Ecclestone.. which is a good thing, of course. I am certain that I am not alone when I say I eagerly anticipate FOTA's breakaway series.

On the grid, Vettel did an excellent job of winning Silverstone, Webber still whines too much, Button got a nice taste of reality, Raikkonen seems to be taking it easy with his vodka, and Hamilton is either high on something or he's truly resigned to the fact that this year will result in nothing for Macca and himself.

I want to see her so bad.

image copyright of the Formula One Teams Association

Dude, where are my F1 posts?

2009-06-22T00:09:00.003+08:00

As I sat here with my eyes going dry playing Bejewelled, I found myself looking at the little window that pops up on the bottom right of the screen everytime someone logs into MSN. I didn't notice I was doing it at first but when I did, I realised I was hoping she'd come on again. We had a slight misunderstanding tonight, and although we talked it out and said goodnight, I can't help but feel a bit disappointed still, and I'm quite sure her night didn't end on a good note either. Anyway, I guess I wanted to say sorry for what happened. I could've just messaged her and hopefully put her mind at ease, but what if she was already asleep (which she does pretty well at times) and my message woke her up and got her thinking again?

How long can you skirt around misunderstandings and hope to avoid arguments? I have no clue. From previous experience, misunderstandings were always confronted which inevitably led to unnecessary arguments. Which may be why I choose to try and ignore the little things and hope they'd just pass. I try not to put any blame on her, and I'd rather I get upset and swallow it instead of getting her upset as well. She however, has a good sense of detecting subtle changes in the way I speak, or in this case, chat. I need more practice.

Well, the point is that you shouldn't visit a friend's house on a Sunday night to play console games.

I was gonna blog about Silverstone and the breakaway. Honest. Maybe soon..

Hope she gets a seat on the train in the morning.

Thoughts compacted

2009-06-16T23:51:00.006+08:00

I've never seen 11 days come and go so fast. We did a lot and we did nothing at all.

It took an 'outsider' for me to do things and go places that I would have just ignored - white water rafting, or cruising for that matter, and even strolling through the market in the middle of town.

The lesson here should be to appreciate what you have in front of you, but the lesson I learned was how much I appreciate her being around; it didn't matter to me what we did or where we went, I was content having her by my side.

Which brings me to my favourite part of trial - alcohol and getting drunk.

No, of course not. It was coming home from work, seeing her at the door, watching the Simpson and Two and a Half Men and falling asleep on her lap. It made me want to wake up and head for the office the next morning just so I could do it all again in the evening.

I envy people who have it easy. I sigh at people who take it for granted.. because as cheesy as it sounds, you really don't know what you've got till its not there. And she's not here.

She's quite a good strategist. She can come up with an idea out of the blue but at the same time, she does her planning. I don't think I've ever met anyone more spontaneous than me until now. But unlike mine, her spontaneity follows through with proper considerations and justifications. A contradiction? Maybe, but I like how she thinks nonetheless.

I think I worry too much. But then again, I have a heavy sense of responsibility towards her. Mom always says, "Don't bring people's daughter to all those weird places."

As long as I can help it, I don't want to let her down.

I just want to lie down on her lap again.

glovdu

F1 formality post

2009-05-28T00:27:00.003+08:00

It was the most boring Monaco GP in years. JB led another Brawn 1-2, no spectacular crashes, hardly any action and Macca was.. somehwere. Or at least Hamilton was. Ho-hum. Good to see the Iceman back on the podium though.

Less than 24 hours to trial live-in. Can't wait (=

26 hours in a day

2009-05-21T00:04:00.005+08:00

She was over for about 26 hours last week. She scored a total of 160 points; 50 points obtained from 'us time', 110 from how she reacted to situations with the family. In fact, I should give her an extra 50 points bonus for how she handled things that Saturday night.Or maybe just 30 becuase she drifted off in the end.. Nah, I'll overlook that. So, 210 points in total. Not bad, not bad at all.

One week to 'trial live-in'. Anticipation runs high.

Formula what?

2009-05-15T12:34:00.003+08:00

Another round of F1 came and went. I have to admit that I've lost a slight interest in the sport; don't check up on news as often as I did, and I've missed a few quali sessions and even a couple of races to not much regret. I am still a fan though.

So Catalunya was a dull race. Except for the first lap collision involving Trulli, Sutil and both STRs, there was little excitement. Brawn continued to stamp their mark with another 1-2, although I can't help but think that there was an agenda behind their three-stop strategy: Putting drivers on three-stoppers, when they are starting the race from the front of the grid and knowing they have the fastest cars, is totally unnecessary. And for the team to suddenly decide to switch Button to a two-stopper without thinking about doing the same with Barrichello, it's becoming obvious that JB is now poised to win the Championship and poor old Rubinho is once again playing second fiddle.. reminiscent of his Ferrari/Schumacher days.

Ferrari's management is still screwed up despite an improved car. For the second time, they let overconfidence get the better of them; this time allowing Raikkonen to do only a single flyer and then watching his position tumble down to the relegation zone in the last minute of Q3 (as they happened to Massa a couple of races back). To make things worse, Massa's fuel strategy last weekend was not much of a strategy at all; a miscalculation meant that he was a lap short on fuel and had to cruise the final few laps, allowing Vettel and Alonso to pass him ahead of the chequered flag. With his car run dry on the slowing-down lap, Massa was forced to park it on the grass. Embarrassing.

As for Macca.. well, like Ferrari, their chances of winning either Championships are very slim at this point. Still counting on them to get a few wins though.

Monaco is coming up!!! Woohoo!

Outside the race track, things are looking as gloomy as ever for F1. Renault has now joined Ferarri, RBR amd STR in threatening to quit the sport should the FIA follow through with next year's budget cap and two-tier championship concept. More teams should join the fray. This is too much. The teams don't want it and neither do the fans. A two-tier championship? WTF is wrong with Bernie Ecclestoned? What has become of F1?

Yadda-yadda-yadda

It's another great weekend ahead.

My adventure, 12,000 ft asl

2009-05-08T22:11:00.008+08:00

Friday afternoon, 3.30pm. Was just about done getting a haircut when I got a call from Mum. A cousin from KL was at our place, and had two free slots for climbing the mountain 'tomorrow', which was Saturday. Got home, had a few drinks with him and his friend, discussed me joining them...

6.00pm. After much consideration, including the fact that I am very unfit and have had zero preparation, I concluded that I will join them. Rushed down to town to get some gear, met a friend, stayed out drinking past midnight. I was scheduled to meet my cousin at his place by 6.30am.

Saturday morning, 6.30am. Loaded our stuff into the hired van and set off. Had breakfast and one more hot coffee somewhere in Kundasang before registering at the Mesilau trail entrance. I was all psyched up, oblivious to what lay ahead.

The Mesilau trail starts off right away with an uphill climb and it being my first hike there, I got down to business. Within 10 minutes, my head was feeling light and I swore I nearly blacked out. Altitude sickness. I slowed my pace down considerably, all the while trying to decide if I should turn back before I really passed out. About that time, I reached the first marker: 0.5KM. You gotta be shitting me, was the thought in my head. It felt as if I had been hiking for miles. I rationalised; I would get to 1KM and decide once and for all if I could carry on.

I got to the first rest hut which was a little pass the 1km mark and caught my breath. After a while, my head began feel better and our porter (carrying about 20kg of luggage) arrived along with another porter and his designated hiker, a Japanese guy in what looked like a state-of-the-art hiking suit and a bag full of camera gear. Over the next day, I would learn that this Jap dude was an avid and very fast hiker.

Anyway, I carried on. The next 3km wasn't too bad with the trail leading up and downhill and the landscape (and trail itself) constantly changing. The porter stayed with me throughout. I got a few good shots in by the time we reached 5km where the trail got really tough and I started to feel the pain in my left hip joint, or whatever you call it. The remaining journey was painful, nearly torture, as I hauled myself up steep stairs and boulders. A few times I just wanted to go home but I convinced myself that it would be nearer to the top than back all the way down. The final 1km was agonising. I could hardly lift my left leg, but reminding myself what a personal achievement it would be considering the circumstances, I pushed on. Also, I didn't want to disappoint the porter, who was very, very patient and an all-round nice guy... Yeah OK, my ego helped me make it through as well.

We arrived at Laban Rata at around 6.30pm. The hike took 8 1/2 hours, possibly one of the slowest times ever, but I wasn't bothered. Made it just in time for dinner. Met up with my cousin and his friend.. they arrived a good two hours earlier. After dinner, armed with our headlights and hiking sticks, the porter led us up to our cabin at Panar Laban, which was a good 50m away from the main building. Mind you, it wasn't a stroll. it was uphill again, and I barely made it. My hip felt like there was a stake plunged into it and I was out of breath.

9.00pm, lights out but no one got any proper sleep. I probably had just an hour's worth of shuteye before everyone's alarms sounded off at 1.00am. Time to head for the summit?

Suited up (three layers worth), and headed outside. I have never felt a cold like that of the windchill which greeted us the moment we stepped out the cabin door. For a while my whole body was numb but once the blood started flowing again, that annoying pain returned as well. After trying to convince myself (without success) that I could make it and with full of disappointment, I told the guys that I'm not going to make the summit. I had bit of more than I could chew and at that point I understood why proper training was required for such an undertaking. I limped back to the cabin but didn't get much sleep.

We made our way back down through Timpohon around 10.00am that morning. My hip felt a bit better but halfway through, my knees started to get weak. Still, it was nothing compared to the day before. The return hike took four hours. A piece of cake.

I don't regret what I put myself through. It took some ignorance for me to do what I did on a moments notice and eventhough I didn't get to the top, it paid off. I'm satisfied with how far I got. I'm also better prepared for July, when I'll repeat that journey. And believe you me, I'll make the summit the next time. Torn hip and all.

Clients and compromise

2009-05-01T01:52:00.005+08:00

Work was shit today. I wasted two days on something that wasn't in my job description just to have it disregarded and deemed irrelevant. And when something like this happens, you still have to lick the toes of that very client with a smile on your face the next day.

Tonight I rediscovered my love for rock music; from Secondhand Serenade to Slipknot back to GNR and everything in between. Rock is good.

Had an interesting conversation with B concerning future arguments and proper handling methods. Seems like we both agree that calm, rationale and compromise should be prioritised. I've tried that before with not much success. So has she. And with that realisation now obvious, we stand a better chance at making it work. I do, however, have a thing for seeing her with that serious, slightly angry look on her face. Kinda dangerous. Kinda hot.

Happy Labour Day.

Short post with no title but covers multiple topics nevertheless

2009-04-27T22:52:00.008+08:00

The back to back races of the Shanghai and Bahrain GPs came and went. Of the two, I watched about 18 laps of the Shanghai race and five minutes of the third quali session of Bahrain. Was nice to see RBR secure their first victory, and a 1-2 for that matter, though I would have liked to have watched the many slips and slides which happened throughout the drenched Chinese weekend. Button won the desert race, good for him but now I'd like to see Macca get on the podium.

I believe its the first time I've missed both races in any double weekend. But my F1 interest is not waning. Its just that (as I've said before) I have different priorities now. Missing Shanghai was entirely my own fault and I chose to miss Bahrain, which, despite the slight disappointment, was all good.

Third trip across the SCS in four months, and every time my visit was shorter. If I keep this up, I wonder whether immigration will start suspecting me of transporting illegal items.

Though it may have been the shortest trip so far, it meant no less than the others. Things seem to be pointing in the right direction. Or so I hope.

Parting is becoming quite a difficult (read: nearly impossible) task. And now its another long wait.

I got my first taste of things to come; a "go lah" which was more of a dare than permission. For some reason, I liked that. I can see it now.... no, nevermind. Scary.. in a good way.

I want to complain about work, but it pisses me off just thinking about it and now I don't even want to think about it. I like my job. No, really. I just don't like doing other people's jobs and getting nothing out of it. And I don't like my work being revamped into something that isn't my work anymore without being consulted first.

I need to shoot some photos. I have all this inspiration building up and if I don't let it out soon, its just going to die down again. My camera must be feeling neglected.

Zzzz too lazy to blog actually.

Murphy's law

2009-04-21T21:10:00.011+08:00

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

I'm not even going to get into the details. The day got off to a bad start even before 5am and just about everything else went wrong except that my PC didn't blow up, which might have been a good thing since I wouldn't have to do any work then.

If I were to summarise today in three words or less: Fucked up.

She was my saving grace, as always.

The SCS Xpress

2009-04-15T22:41:00.006+08:00

Looks like trips are becoming more and more frequent. The low-cost carrier concept is man's best invention since beer (can a concept be an invention? Whatever lah, hor?). Even though the waiting periods in between are gruesomely frustrating, the hellos, as she said, are a lot more meaningful and overshadow all else.

Even after a few months, the dream still hasn't ended, and I'm in no hurry to wake up.. although I would like the SCS to be erased and the gap to disappear. But of course, patience is the key. Distance, as we know it, makes the heart grow fonder (and more restless).

I'm glad for all the things that have gone wrong in my past; the decisions I had to make that decided where I would end up, because it brought me to where I am now. No regrets.

Strange as it may seem, I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. Why? Because a couple of shoots have been scheduled, but more so because another day of work means another day down (= I want to go to work! Hahahahhhahaahahahhhahahaahaha!

Sepang doesn't deserve a post

2009-04-13T21:51:00.007+08:00

I've decided that this season's Sepang GP does not deserve a proper post; because there was hardly a race but nearly another farce instead. The FIA should apologise for their bad decisions. It was so simple for them to move Asian races back a few hours to appease Euro viewers but they never thought of a Plan B: What if it rains and the race needs to be halted? What if there isn't enough sunlight to complete the race? Should the two-hour time limit be flexible in certain cases? In the case of Sepang, even if it had stopped raining, the clock would have run out and even if they had decided to extend the time limit, there would not have been enough light. Good thing I skipped the race this year. Fucking Idiots, Aye!

I thought my past experience has taught me all I need to know to appreciate what I have, but it never prepared me for where we are now. And that's why it makes me shake my head and sigh when people have it a lot easier but still aren't content. They don't realise how much harder things can be. On the other hand, it would surprise some people to know how content we are with what we have even when things could be better. I wouldn't trade it for anything.... except maybe a Reventon and a beachfront house. Throw in an extra 20 mil and it's a deal.

Kidding.

Mutual Trust Funds

2009-04-06T00:05:00.008+08:00

No, the title doesn't hold a literal meaning.. at least not directly. I'm not even sure what a mutual trust fund is.

I've come to realise how more and more of our thoughts and feelings have become mutual, even strangely coincidental at times; Some are apparent of course, while others we never actually talk about. I like it how we have the same thoughts - "Yeah! That's what I was thinking too!", and share a common feeling - for instance, how I used "ur" in a sentence when I really meant "our" and she picked it up immediately (I didn't want to use "our" in the first place because it might have seemed too 'intrusive' to her and I wanted to see how she reacted, and it made me grin actually! It's like a taboo subject neither of us want to touch but still we skirt around it). The point is, to know that we've become closer and more alike despite the distance is comforting and a sign that we might be headed in the right direction. The little things that always seem irrelevant, once collected and put together (that sounds redundant), can mean a lot.

The level of trust we have, I believe, is healthy. I still want to know specific details once in a while and I like how she displays a hint of manja-ish jealousy now and then, but it's all just part and parcel of being in a relationship and knowing the other cares/worries. Imagine for a second, if your partner had no interest whatsoever in where you were or what you did last night. The last time that happened to me, it signalled the beginning of an end. There is however, a line between showing you care, and being obsessive and insecure. Not crossing that line is important.

It's complicated, what we have. Being apart can be very stressful and frustrating and I don't think we've seen the worst of it. I stop myself everytime I start to imagine how missing her could bring me to a breaking point someday. It's a scary thought. If that's not bad enough, the funds required are also a great deal larger; Flights, accomodation and everything else that goes into what have become regular 'vacations'. Good thing we've found the solution for cutting back on some of those costs. We have to becareful though, else finances will take a toll on us. Still, she's worth every sen to me.. but truth be told, I need to fund something else as well. So balance will be the key.

I owe Sepang a post but that can come later because we all need to prioritise and now, it's babyone for me.

Obligation/B

2009-04-01T23:27:00.015+08:00

I just have to. I am obliged to do a post on Melbourne's race. How can I not? It would be a sin. But I'll keep it short this time.

The race started off quite spectacular, with Button speeding off immediately, Barrichello slow on the accelerator and the Ferraris aggresively making up places even before the first corner. Further down the order, Hamilton had also made his way through some traffic. Turn 1 saw a few cars taken out... too bad for them.

Button controlled the race throughout, the Ferraris fucked up, Hamilton gave a superb performance to reach fourth (third, techincally) but it was thanks to Vettel and Kubica's crash three laps before the chequered flag. The post race investigation found Vettel at fault, and he himself admitted it was his mistake, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks Kubica could have taken a better line to avoid collision. Vettel didn't really have anywhere to go except into the side of that BMW.

Anyway, Barrichello still made his way back to 2nd, granting the team a historic 1-2 win on their debut as Brawn GP. A race weekend could not be more perfect for any team. So looks like its game on. Brawn, RBR and BMW look set to give Macca and Ferrari a run for their money. But I'd like to see Williams in the fight too.

------

We just had a very good conversation. One of the best so far. I ranted about work and thoughts that were bothering me, she listened intently and offered both comfort and motivation, and stayed up way past her bedtime because she didn't want to leave me with so many things on my mind. I could tell how tired she was and I told her to get some sleep, but she insisted on staying on the phone. That gesture alone helped a lot, and she did exactly what she intended - making me feel better. And now I just can't wipe the smile off of my face.

Tonight seemed different. She flipped the whole day around and really turned bad into good.. and while she may not realise it, what she said and did tonight meant a whole lot to me. And I've just fallen in love with her even more. This is my Cloud 9. Thank you B (=

1, 2, 3, 4/Say cheese

2009-03-31T01:05:00.006+08:00

The sky is: blurry
Weapon of choice: 1, 2, 3, 4 - Plain White T's

What defines cheesiness? This song can be considered cheesy, one-liners usually are but my breakfast isn't. I have cereal in the mornings. Something isn't cheesy however, if it's sincere and means what it should mean. Or so I've been told. And there's a line between cheesy and Jesus-Christ-that's-gross (Second of the Ten Commandments: Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain). Bah, cheesiness is subjective anyway.

One am, two cigarettes, three whiskeys, four things to take care of this week at work. A couple of hours ago, I was so sleepy I swore I'd sleep the night through and wake up late for work. Said our goodnights, headed to bed, turned off the light. And it happened.

It's very frustrating.

I need silence to go to sleep. Noise keeps me awake. But when it's silent, my mind goes to work. And thinking keeps me awake. Doesn't make sense? I know.

Tonight's episode was about work. I should be lucky to be where I am now, considering how much I (don't) do and how much I (don't) get paid. This may be the easiest job I've ever had and one that I actually enjoy (sometimes) and yet I feel very discontent. With the way things are going, I see a lot of potential that I can release in the near future but at the same time, I feel I'm going nowhere. Maybe it's the uncertainty of whether or not things will go as planned, maybe it's self-doubt, maybe it's the need to know that things are secure. Whatever it is, thinking of work in general always gets me anxious. Ironic, because the next couple of weeks should prove very fruitful.

Advertisements were of course about her. In between all that work-related issues running through my head, I slipped in a few thoughts about her and us. Things are slowly settling in. All's good. Nine more days before I cross the SCS again. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have to come back. Might be a slow week ahead, but at least I have Sepang to look forward to this weekend.

Right. Gonna pour one last shot, feed the mosquitoes and make my eyes beg me to go to sleep. I don't have a drinking problem. I can drink just fine. No problem.

OK I'm happy now. I'm gonna hum the song to sleep.

Holy those-are-fucking-ugly-cars-the-grid-is-so-messed-up-how-did-Brawn-do-that??, Batman!

2009-03-29T01:41:00.013+08:00

I can't recall ever witnessing such a surprising start to an F1 season. Macca is down in the midfield, Ferrari just made the top ten, last year's midfielders battled it out for top positions, and Brawn, who a few weeks ago could not even confirm their participation for this season, locked out the front row. Brawn GP, who until yesterday, had no sponsors but today, sported Virgin on their cars. Brawn GP, former Team Honda Racing, who before the start of this season, had pulled out of F1. I was a little disappointed though, that Rosberg wasn't on pole after his dominance in all the practice sessions. That guy is fast, probably as fast as Kimi. Anyway, its good to see a new independent team enter the fray. Shows that the new rules are working somewhat. Bernie is still stupid though.

To make the season opener even more surprising, Hamilton's car was already giving him problems, making him stand down from the final quali session, and there are three, yes three, Sebastians racing this season - two in STR, one in RBR. How cool is that?

I wouldn't want to predict tomorrow's race. Button is looking good but I wouldn't put a sen on him winning. I'd think that the entire top ten are ready to make a charge, especially the Ferraris. But my hope of course is to see Macca, or at least Hamilton, pull something out of the bag. We'll see. .

The cars still look ugly. Like a top heavy chick with no ass. I'll need a couple of races more to get used to them.

I saved a frog and cleaned up the cat's puke tonight. Doesn't get better than that.

photo courtesy of zerotohundred.com

In the dark

2009-03-25T23:50:00.013+08:00

I don't usually do this, but this guy is an idiot.

Earth Hour is a mere publicity stunt

I READ with amazement and irony the efforts of WWF Malaysia to latch on to the Earth Hour event and all the celebrities, media and corporations that have come up in support.

It is amazing that people are so easily taken in by a mere publicity stunt that fails at the very essence. Turning off our lights for one hour on one designated day of the year to save our planet surely is a PR event at best.

It shames the thousands of devoted people, government bodies, scientists and environmentalists that have for years been working on finding real solutions to address this global concern. Malaysians should see past this gimmick by international NGOs and start changing their lifestyles. Surely we can be more proactive and not be fed by an agenda of international bodies.

Why don’t we implement power conservation programmes, ride public transport on certain days in a month, car pool, etc?

It is also ironic that the organiser, WWF Malaysia, up until very recently, did not even have a climate change programme to begin with when all others (even local groups and individuals) have been persistent in their pleas for Malaysians to take action.

Remember, our leaders signed the Kyoto Protocol and there has been concerted movement towards reaching solutions. Please let us all be enlightened and move away from celebrations and gimmicks.

MARCUS,
Petaling Jaya.

Marcus, you is pretty sutpid.

You read in amazement? That amazed you?? You must not get out very often..

Of course Earth Hour is a publicity stunt. Of course Earth Hour is not going to save us from impending doom. But do you realise what an impact it is making? For the very least, it makes people want to jump on the band wagon and be part of it because it sounds cool.

Yes, why don't we implement power conservation programmes, ride public transport (dude, have you been on public transport in KK?) and car pool? How old are you? 12? Why should Earth Hour shame the thousands of green people around the globe? As you should already know, this 'gimmick' has brought millions of people together to switch off their lights for one hour. Do you realise how much energy will be saved in that one hour? Fucking NY Times Square will be dark. The pride of Malaysia, the twin erections will be dark, Australia will be dark. But most importantly, this concerted effort will at least keep the importance of energy saving in peoples' minds. How much help do you think you're offering by whining?

Go ahead, leave your lights on, buddy. You're afraid of the dark and that's your own problem.

As she sees it/A new chapter

2009-03-25T21:47:00.012+08:00

Time is a concept. A concept which governs our daily lives. But time does not govern our emotions, it does not govern our feelings. The heart does. And there is no given period in which we may tell ourselves we are ready to love, ready to move on, ready to turn a chapter. It all depends on whether the heart would allow.

With our guards down and hearts and minds expressed, our journey has truly begun. The sun is shining, the breeze is refreshing and the open road looks so inviting. Yes, somethings just defy logic, just don't make sense. Like my blog.

I do understand when she tells me how big a deal it is to her; That she could not face another dead end, and that we would have to keep ourselves in check with reality. I smile to think that she feels the way I do. We both want this, but we're both afraid.

I will make that catch. I promise. No T&C.

Foward march. And this time, it will be hand in hand.

I like to drink

2009-03-16T01:55:00.006+08:00

Ripped this from Adriel's blog. Just for fucks.

What your name means.

A : You like to drink.
B : You like people.
C : You are really silly.
D : You like to drink.
E : Awesome kisser.
F : You are dead sexy.
G : You never let people tell you what to do.
H : You have a very good personality and good looks.
I : You are great in bed.
J : People adore you.
K : You're wild and crazy.
L : You like to drink.
M : Best kisser ever.
N: You like to drink.
O: Easy to fall in love with.
P : You are popular with all types of people.
Q : You are a hypocrite.
R : Easy to fall in love with.
S : Fucking crazy.
T : Easy to fall in love with.
U : You really like to chill.
V : You are not judgemental.
W : You are very broad minded.
X : You like to drink.
Y : Best gf/bf anyone could ever ask for.
Z : Always ready.

So...

G : You never let people tell you what to do.
E : Awesome kisser.
O: Easy to fall in love with.
R : Easy to fall in love with.
G : You never let people tell you what to do.
E : Awesome kisser.

C : You are really silly.
A : You like to drink.
R : Easy to fall in love with
L : You like to drink.
O: Easy to fall in love with

Apparently I'm very easy to fall in love with (who wouldn't agree?), an awesome kisser (you'd have to find out yourself I guess), don't take shit from anyone (ask anyone) and I like to drink (oh, c'mon!).

But seriously, I like to drink.

Aperture priority

2009-03-16T01:04:00.005+08:00

The 'A' on the mode dial of my DSLR stands for aperture priority. Its my favourite mode to shoot in. While I dare say I can handle shooting in full manual mode, I also don't need to show off. A is a practical choice that saves time and helps minimize errs.

Basically, A mode allows you to control the aperture manually while the camera automatically adjusts shutter speed. Unless shooting in the dark or shooting very fast moving machines, A is the way to go. You need only worry about one aspect of the shot. Or maybe not?

I wish I could live life in aperture priority; I concentrate on one aspect, and everything else falls into place. I control the depth of field; If I wanted, I could focus on one particular subject and blur everything else out, or I could set the f stop to maximum and get a clear view of all the surroundings. I'd focus on her, blur out the background and all else lines up perfectly into place. Now how cool would that be?

But what about the ISO? You could set it to auto, but its always better to be in control of it. Light sensitivity is another crucial aspect of a shot. You don't want unnecessary graining or over exposure. And if you're shooting at night or indoors or under an overcast, you might want to consider using flash. But never, ever set your flash to auto. Always be in control of it as well. There's nothing worse than a photo killed by flash. Check that EV. Bounce the light. Snap on a diffuser. ISO and flash... another two things to worry about.

So even if I could live life in A mode, certain other things still need to be taken care of. But at least I could concentrate on what I feel matters most.

Aperture priority... its a good thing.

Clouds & barries v1, v2

2009-03-15T23:37:00.001+08:00

I learned to fly. I read the manual, put all my fears aside, ran as fast as I could and took off. And I love it. Things are so much better when you have your head in the clouds, looking down at the world, laughing away like your high on something.

Think I forgot to read the part about landing though. Bah, I'll improvise.

/

I learned to fly. I read the manual, put all my fears aside, ran as fast as I could... no one warned me the runway was too short. Well, that really fucked my plans up.

------

I... I............ OK, I'm confused now. The other end looks a lot further away than it was. But I still refuse to crash and burn.

Heatwave approaching

2009-03-11T00:04:00.007+08:00

Its March. In less than three weeks, the world will turn its attention to Melbourne as hundreds of beautiful ladies in designer sunglasses and skimpy skirts gather under the hot sun at Albert Park. Yes, the 2009 F1 season is just around the corner and you can feel the heat. This is when the year begins.

After getting over the initial shock of the look of the 2009 machines, it'll be exciting to see if the radical changes will serve their main purpose; no, not better cost efficiency. Closer racing and overtaking!

I want to see the grid mixed up, just so Macca can prove its dominance once again. I want to see Kimi take the fight to Lewis, bringing it down to the wire again. I want to see BMW give the Silver Arrows and Prancing Horses a run for their money. I want to see Force India break into the midfield. And I want to see those damn-I'll-sell-my-soul-to-drive-one-of-those-around-the-track safety cars! I want to see, feel and hear Formula 1.

My annual planner has been set, the race weekends marked and no force on Earth will keep me away from race days.

Fast forward, play, rewind, play, rewind

2009-03-09T23:42:00.009+08:00

We are constantly travelling through time;

The future is constantly being transformed into the past with the present only
lasting for a fleeting moment. Everything that you are doing right now is
quickly moving into the past, which means we continue to move through time. - http://www.howstuffworks.com/time-travel.htm

The idea of speeding time travel up though, is trickier. Easiest way to do it is to ignore time itself. Staying preoccupied, not wearing a watch, sleeping.. it all helps in a sense. Mindset is the key. The more you want a particular day to arrive or the past to get left behind, the more you tend to imagine that time passes painfully slow.

So I try to keep myself busy. I don't wear a watch. I sleep as much as I can. Next thing I know, its tomorrow.

The problem though is how to stop time, or at least slow it down significantly. This is not an issue if you're running from the past but now and then, everyone wants to live in a particular moment.

Sometimes you wish that day would come quickly, and eventually it does. And then it goes. The more you look at your watch and think "Only five minutes have gone by," the faster time seems to zip past.

So forget travelling into the future, or even teleportation. What I want to know is how to make a day last forever. OK maybe not forever, but a lot longer still.

Don't wake me up

2009-03-09T00:48:00.009+08:00

The sky is: Starry, perfect time to make a wish or two
Weapon of choice: Until I wake up - Dishwalla

Setting your playlist on random can be fun - you never know what song comes next. But sometimes the song can speak your heart out. WTF.

I wonder if I'm dreaming. And if I am, I sure as hell don't want to wake up. Not anytime soon. Honestly though, its quite concerning that reality hasn't fully sunk in yet.

I have a very mushy feeling inside now and its scaring me. As she would probably put it, like being 16 and in love without a care in the world. Hahaha!

Well at least I'm genuinely happy.

Whoah, back-to-back posts. I must be bored.

Next exit: God knows where

2009-03-09T00:17:00.006+08:00

Every obstacle you overcome is another piece of experience earned. Every obstacle you fail to overcome is another lesson learned.

------

The saying "The journey is more important than the destination" can be applied generally to life because heck, we all end up dead in the end, but it sure doesn't apply to more specific situations. Take for example.... my case. I agree that what happens during the journey is very important because all we learn and experience from here on now will influence how things go in the future, but where we end up is just as important. The road that leads us there might not be a state-of-the-art eight lane super highway with a smooth surface all the way and a lot of room for err, but how we navigate it and decide which turns to take will play a big factor in how comfortable the journey turns out, not to mention where we end up at the end of it all. And where we end up is the whole point of this journey. We have a destination in mind, but getting there is not as easy as it may seem. Should the road get rough or we take the wrong exit... well I'd rather not think of that now.

And that is why we're just enjoying the journey as we go along. Fuck the road map, fuck the signboards, we've got a full tank, CD in the player and an open road. And that's just fine. Agh.. gotta watch out for speed bumps though. Don't want to be stranded with a broken axle.

(Yes, I mentioned "my case" but keep referring to 'we/us')

Digging your own grave?

2009-02-20T01:27:00.004+08:00

Either you're that stupid, or you're doing it on purpose. Whichever it is, I don't give that much of a damn. You're now cruising towards bye-bye. Tried to respect you, gave you the benefit of the doubt.. but now you've pretty much fucked yourself up.

As far as I see it, excuses are excuses but work is still work. You may have your reasons but professionalism is still a requirement. If you're incapable then you're not much worth to the team.

Its a great weekend ahead (=

Valentine's Day?

2009-02-14T23:31:00.003+08:00

So.. Valentine's Day again. Flowers, chocolates, dinner, wine, maybe a diamond ring and sex. Whatever. I'm alone, no candlelight dinner, it could've been better.. but I'm happy!! :D

Happy Valentine's/Singles Awareness Day!

Comments are good/STFU brain

2009-02-13T00:15:00.007+08:00

Maybe its because I don't expect any comments or maybe its because I used to get alerts when I get a comment, but I just realised I missed a couple. Oops. Cool.. people actually bother to read this rubbish. But I'm sure I used to get email alerts or something before? Anyway, much appreciated and I'll remember to look out for those once-in-a-blue-moon comments.

I'm trying to plan the two months ahead. As far as I know, the next few weeks will be dedicated to research and designing. Not that it'll keep me busy all the time but at least I can (try to) create a schedule. Besides that, I'd like to go 'travelling'. That'll be a bit harder to plan though.

I thought I'd lay off the alcohol for a while but unfortunately I've been thinking a lot again lately. Its just been one of those days where everything comes at the same time. Strangely enough, my thoughts today leave me both happy and depressed.. if that's even possible. I guess its the combination of what's running through the mind. Come to think of it, I haven't had a good sleep for the past few nights now. Accumulation? Bah, I hate that word. So alcohol helps slow down my brain, ease my mind. White wine this time. For the first time. Didn't have beer in the fridge, reds are running low, and I figured I'd get used to whites for a change. Besides, the wines aren't going to drink themsleves. Someone's gotta do it :D

Ask me whether today was a good or bad day and I'd say.............. it was bumpy but ended up quite smooth.

Give me three days and I'll give you.. nothing much

2009-02-11T22:04:00.008+08:00

~~she~~/~~her~~. she/her=she/her.

------

Today the client shot down my proposal in the first two minutes of our meeting and I wasn't going to defend my ideas because frankly, I didn't like the design myself. It was done over three days (which really amounts to only one day if you add up the exact hours spent) and three days is just about enough time to get not much done.

I appreciated his comments though. He was very straightforward, he knew what he wanted and his criticism was constructive. The saving grace was that he loved the photos and thought the layout was great for the second pullout. Not an excuse, but I wasn't too keen on doing the main pullout anyway. I had some questions to ask, but I was too tired from the morning shoot to say much. All in all, I left the meeting with positivity and caffeine in mind.

We've been given the time required to meet such strict demands, and now most of the pressure is off. I now have time to sit, research, construct, deconstruct and reconstruct the design till I feel its good enough.

So yeah, it was actually a relief that the proposal was rejected because I know it could have been a lot better, given enough time and space. And after all, I always thought that when designing something for a client (especially one in the know), look at your work first. If you aren't happy with it, then most probably the client will feel the same.

So, second chance granted. If I fuck it up again, I'll check out the classifieds. Maybe City Hall is hiring.

Nah of course not. I'm not going to fuck this up. At least not yet.

I miss her.

Buildings, bands and logic

2009-01-30T10:29:00.011+08:00

No expectations, right?

Wrong (= How can there not be?

It took a bunch of excuses to get there.

It took a few walks to bring it up.

It took even more excuses to have that one day.

It took pure impulsiveness to hear the band play that song.

It took the wrong words to understand how we really feel.

Throw logic out the window for once. Stop trying to predict the future ;) Those eyes are so much brighter and that smile a lot more happier when its the heart talking.

Singing for supper/I'll only take that much

2009-01-21T22:55:00.008+08:00

Looks like I'm gonna have to literally work hard to get my holiday. Today was a very trying day and tomorrow I expect even more. Was only able to get 1/3 of the photo shoots done today, and I really hope to finish everything by tomorrow. Its important that the job be done before the holidays but time will be the enemy. 26 hours in a day is exactly what I need for tomorrow. Just that little extra will help a lot.

I know nobody's perfect and everyone has their bad habits, but there is a line.. and bullshit excuses and lack of professionalism crosses it; especially when you should be the one taking the lead. Everyone tends to slack now and then, but you're really pushing it. Don't get me wrong here. I think you're a nice guy and very knowledgeable, but you've pushed it a bit too far. I'll tolerate a bit of this and that but you're either: A) Too ignorant to realise it, or B) Ready to retire again. If its A, then too bad. I have no more reason to be nice to you. You're out of luck. If its B, then you're doing a good job at reaching that goal.

You were given a job to do as I was, you knew when it had to be done, you knew how much work was involved and you knew that all cooperation was needed. Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I believe that you had "a lot of work to finish"? I know what you need to finish because I've been waiting for that piece of work for at least a month to get my part done. You don't have a lot of work to finish.. you're just incapable. And unworthy of your position. I'm not boss, you may hold a higher position than me, but trust me on this one: buck up or bye bye ;)

OK. Just needed to let that out. Hurry up, Friday!!

So, I just needed to post something?

2009-01-17T00:52:00.013+08:00

Ever finish a sentence with a question mark even though you're not actually asking a question?

Like today? For some reason my mind just wasn't working very well? But I still managed to put some work in?

I find it kinda funny. And depending on who its coming from, it can be either annoying or addictive.

So.. tried out the new Nikkor 50mm today. Kinda regret I did because now I want one! And I mean I bloody want one! Fuck it. Its definitely next on my list.

Got a photo shoot coming up next week for a reasonably big job. Hoping to keep this client, so we're planning (or at least I am) to really nail it. Doesn't matter if it takes the whole day or two, we have to show that we can do one helluva good job.

No, this post isn't about cameras or photography or work. Its really about her, again. Duh.

Letting go

2009-01-11T21:47:00.009+08:00

Song Lyrics Hinder lyrics

Though I've folded up the past, I still carry it around in my pocket. Maybe one day I'll pull it out, look back and smile. It will always be a part of me. That I will not deny.

After all the self-denial and regrets and lies, I can honestly tell myself I'm ready to let go now (=

Forward. March.

Untitled

2009-01-08T23:36:00.012+08:00

The sky is: A beautiful blue
Weapon of choice: Breathe - Telepopmusik

Just can't come up with a title for this post. I have a few in mind but they all seem too.. bland or unworthy..

OK. This should have come up earlier but yeah, better late than never. I've decided that I will have resolutions this year.. yes resolutions, not just a resolution. I've been taking things for granted for way too long and now that I have more time to myself, I should do something with it. I've recently felt this urge to do something, get somewhere.. to have a goal to achieve.

First of all, I will improve significantly on work and photography in this one year. This I want to do because I'm getting tired of being just a jack of all trades, a master of none. This would require extra effort, renewed interest and many long days. Second, I will finally climb the mountain.. hopefully by mid year. If that doesn't work out, I'll find one way or another to do it before year's end. Next, I will learn to leave something in the bank. At first I thought I have more to spend on myself and that's what I've been doing but now, I'm putting forth a new plan. And this resolution is part of it. And finally, the most important of all resolutions.. I will do all I can to get this situation to where I wish it would be. I'll play it by the rules and put all I have into it. I hate to think about it, but if all goes not-so-well, I can at least tell myself I've truly tried and I can die happy.

While all this positive thinking is making me feel weird and nauseas, I still like it. And all this is for her more than for myself.

It's 0025hrs and the sky is such an inviting blue.

Note: Soberness level at time of posting: 100%

Faster than USB?

2008-12-30T01:07:00.013+08:00

I have a helluva big load of photos waiting to be uploaded.. at least a months worth. But that's the problem with shooting in RAW. I tend to get lazy converting and resizing them for web uploads. I still have to do it anyway and soon, lest i lose track of what is what.

I went through some of the photos earlier, and I can't say I'm happy with those I took during Christmas. Most were 'might as well just use a compact cam set on auto' kind of photos... hey, wait a minute. I didn't take those photos! No wonder.. Still, I didn't take nearly as much as I should have. Was just not in the mood for shooting. There are still some that I want to post though, especially those of the baby and today's island trip.

I'd like to believe that I've shown a slight improvement lately. I actually bother to check and adjust my settings every time the lighting/subject type/scene changes. Guess I've learned from my mistakes. The viewfinder can be a liar.

Tomorrow (or today rather) its back to work. Kind of. Only one and a half days of work before New Year's. And to be honest, I'm quite glad I have to go to the office. Need to break this vicious cycle of waking up, drinking, getting drunk and going to sleep.One thing about work though.. there won't be any work to do...

The day ended on a good note. I'm happy tonight (=

The months that were 2008

2008-12-28T20:49:00.023+08:00

As the year comes to a close, people often reflect on the 12 months that have gone by. Some memories bring smiles, and others frowns or even tears. While I'd like to lie and say I've had more smiles than frowns or tears, I can't. Here's my reflection:

2008 has not been the most eventful or even a particularly interesting year for me. For quite a while now I've forgotten what it is to celebrate a new year or anything else for that matter, and I sit here trying hard to squeeze the faint memories out of my brain..

There was no resolution made for this year (as usual), so there was no 'big achievement'. Life went on as always with the normal ups and downs one would expect. The biggest highlight of the entire year would be the birth of my sister's son; my parents' grandson; my nephew. And by coincidence he 'arrived' at the right moment, just as I thought the year was going to end as bad as it was. Of course he brought a whole lot of joy to my sis and her husband, and to my parents, and to my grandparents, and the rest of the family, but he brought a certain special happiness to me. And if anyone deserves credit for uplifting my spirit at the last moment, its him. Yeah OK, my sis and bro-in-law as well haha! But the year it seems, will still end as the worst I've ever been through.

All I can I say about 08 in general is that it flew by. Besides the increase in alcohol intake, I hardly felt it.. until the final two months. It made me not want to go to sleep, it made me wish I didn't wake up, and it made me dread Christmas and every other day that came and went. It also made me realise that the previous 10 months were right there for me to cherish and I could have probably done something (or not have done something?) to avoid her from leaving in the first place, but I was stupid enough to not see it. But now as I do my best to leave the past where it should be, I struggle to catch up with the present let alone keep pace with it. I've fallen behind quite a bit. I do like this new found freedom I've obtained and I look forward to what lies ahead.. however what has happened has put me on guard and I've become (too) cautious of everyone and everything around me. Trust has become lie, doubt has become common sense.

If there were any, the lessons I've learned from 2008 are:

Bubbles do burst.

Reality can hit you like a ~~French~~ Japanese bullet train. (I think Jap trains are cooler, eventhough I think Euro trains go faster. Whatever.)

People can change; or at least personalities can.

Nothing and no one should be taken for granted.

I am not made of kevlar, therefore I am not bulletproof. And my heart is not made of steel.

Rockers wear too much makeup nowadays.

... but most importantly, I've learned to accept that the end of one story is really the beginning of another. You only have to want to start from page one again.

All in all, 2008 has been the longest and hardest two months of my life so far.

Empty conversations & overflowing expectations

2008-12-22T01:15:00.015+08:00

My hangover finally caught up with me yesterday morning. Maybe because I got up too early. Dragged myself through the day but went ahead with the jogging as planned. I thought I'd run out of breath before completing a round but surprisingly it was the pain in my legs that stopped me. We probably did three rounds. I would have done more but by that time it felt like my muscles were torn. I am so unfit. Specific goal is to have enough stamina to climb the mountain next year, general goal is to counter the unhealthy lifestyle i lead. Plan to do it twice weekly and right now, I'm looking forward to it.

I enjoy our chats. If someone was to read our conversations, that someone would say they were pointless and without direction. True in a sense, but it does help the getting to know each other part and it does get down to more serious stuff once in a while, but I like the randomness as it is. I might be throwing myself off that cliff though.

My expectations are high right now. Higher than before. I try to keep myself grounded. I try to look at the situation from a more rational point of view. But I'm pretty much decided as well. I think I have a certain degree of control in these matters, but not everything will be up to me. And no, its not up to fate. I don't believe in fate. It will be other people who, whether they realise it or not, will play a part in how things go.

Two weeks ago I was really looking forward to Christmas. But as it creeps closer, I begin to dread it. Thinking about it makes me want to puke. I want Christmas to come and go. Fast.

Whatever it is, things in general seem to be looking up now. At least my state of mind is better. Relapses are still there. No matter. Forward march.

Its a long way down if I don't make the jump

2008-12-19T04:56:00.009+08:00

The sky is: Uncertain
Weapon of choice: Every little thing - Dishwalla

0432hrs. Sleep is becoming something I do only when absolutely necessary but its not out of choice. I just can't shutdown. I never believed that I'm an insomniac. Its not something I'm willing to accept because if I do, then I am in a way making myself one. Denial. Sometimes it can be a good thing........... I think.

I love this song. Not the deepest of meanings but nevertheless something I'd like to say to someone.

When I play it in my head, its not directed to the person I've already lost but rather to the person I'm afraid I'd lose. And this would be the story of me arriving at an unfamiliar road, losing my way and hopefully finding the right path again. A story not meant to be told...... because its ending is not yet written.

Sometimes I leap so far forward that I fail to realise that the distance cannot be covered. And I end up crashing to the bottom. But then, I always look before I leap and if I think that there's even a slight chance of me getting to the other side, I'd do it. I always say, risks are meant to be taken.

So yeah, I find myself ready to leap again. Distance? Unsure. Looks pretty far. Rate of success? The harder I try, the better the chances... perhaps. Results of a failed leap? Gonna be one hell of a hard landing. Expect the worse.

Should you know who you are? I think I want you to know, but uncertainty tells me otherwise. Maybe you'll know soon. Maybe later? Maybe never? Maybe it all depends on me? Maybe not? Outcome is the result of doing something. Without action, there is none.

0454hrs. Song has repeated at least five times. Blah.

Got the ball rolling

2008-12-16T19:26:00.023+08:00

Now I remember why I chose to stop blogging before. Its because once I start, I can't seem to stop. Its like I want to put down every little thing in mind, whether its something from the heart or something totally pointless. I remember how blogging helped clear my mind, making space for new thoughts. When I was living alone, it seemed to be the ~~best~~ only way for me to express everything: anger, depression, joy, confusion... And now it seems I've 'rediscovered' its importance.

Another problem with my blogging is that I hardly ever come to a conclusion. My fingers type away as I transfer thoughts onto the screen, and then I stop. And that's exactly how my mind works. Think and think and think but no direction. Like right now. I just need to free some space in this head of mine.

I feel better already.

Was going through my cupboard.. found a t-shirt mum bought for me some time ago. I always thought of it as a joke but as I sit here inhaling another breath of cancer, the plain truth behind the statement comes to mind.

Not the first time I've been reminded of it. There was a newspaper clipping I was given (by someone who cared, I'd like to think) back in high school... think I still have it around somewhere.. and of course it was more detailed and graphic but the message was the same.

Anyway, on the t-shirt is:

Damn.

Need a big sock/How to stay awake

2008-12-16T01:17:00.011+08:00

Someone reminded me that Christmas is just around the corner. Well, well... another year has come and gone. Time really flew by.. except the past month which seemed like an eternity but I'm not going to go there. So yeah, I hardly noticed 2008.

Hey Santa, heads up! Here's my wishlist and don't worry, its quite practical this year..

1. SB900
2. 50mm f1.4G
3. 70-200mm f2.8 VR
4. Better sleeping habits
5. A trip to SG

See? No lambo, no mansion.. I even decided to leave out the tripod! Doubt I can find a sock big enough for those.

Thought I'd be able to sleep early.. only had +-5 hours of shuteye last night. But why can't I? Every time the room gets dark and quiet, my mind starts going to work. Sometimes my thoughts are spontaneous, ridiculous and jumps from one subject matter to another.

For example, I was lying in bed a few moments ago and this is (more or less) what was going on in my head:

Wonder if I should get the SB900 first or the new 50mm. Which one would I use more? The SB900 will be pretty useful since I seem to be taking a lot of indoor and night shots, like during family dinners. I really hate the built-in flash. But I really want the 50mm for taking better portraits and doing bokeh shots. And perhaps the large aperture would compensate for the lighting. Then again I've been playing around with an SB900 so much lately and I've really come to appreciate what it can do for a photo.Why not just get both? Well I could, but that would mean overspending and I damn well know that this time of the year is a time for overspending on ~~presents~~ drinking.

Drinking? I wonder where we will end up this year. Probably start off at someone place and move to some other spot. Wonder if there'll be a family dinner.. see?.. the SB900 would do perfect in that situation. Maybe I shou- was that a plane? Pretty late for a flight.. probably the last flight out.

Ah! I better look into my flight. Too much procrastinating. But where am I going to stay? Relatives would probably not be there. Don't think I want to stay with them anyway. Would make me feel uncomfortable. Better check out the hotels then. Should find somewhere with easy access to the main areas of the city. Wouldn't wanna get too lost. Hm.. the architecture there is great for shooting... with a 50mm! That would be nice for buildings and scenery. But that alien brain thing.. How the heck do people get shots of it from above? Maybe there's a tall building close by. Or a hill. I am so sleepy..........

How is she? I'm sure she's doing fine but I still wonder. Must be busy with the new job. Wonder if she's still at the same or the new branch now. Whoah.. come to think of it I haven't been to those places for a while now. Maybe I just don't want to risk bumping into her. Bah.. I don't want to think about it. Wonder if she's asleep. Should be, its getting pretty late. Bet she has long days as well. Must be tired. Wonder if.... no. I don't want to think about that either. But I can't help it. Damn it! Need to get up from this bed.

And here I am. Pretty annoying. Wish I had an on/off switch for my brain.

Need sleep....

Good morning Monday

2008-12-15T11:04:00.008+08:00

The sky is: Gloomy
Weapon of choice: Silence

Alarm was set for 8.30, got up at 9.20. The snooze function should be outlawed. Greeted the morning with a headache and a sore throat. The jam on the way to work was exceptionally bad. Had to do four rounds around the block to get a parking space. Fuck.

It's going to be a long, long day....

Speak up, can't hear you

2008-12-15T00:48:00.013+08:00

Came down with a slight flu a few of days ago. Was expecting a fever and sore throat to follow. Woke up the next day, nose stuffed like a Christmas turkey but no temperature. Not bad I thought, Strepsils really does work.

Since it didn't get worse, I thought I'd be OK by tomorrow. Well, couple of hours ago i felt my throat start to constrict and my voice disappearing. Might have been the steak, might have been the beer last night. Might have been the orange juice. Idiot. Tomorrow I'm going to be voiceless.

Was a surprisingly good night. After what seemed like a slow, boring day filled with impatience and anticipation, I did get to smile after all.

Sometimes its good to stay focused on one thing and remain optimistic about it. But then you might lose track of other things around you. But I dunno, I can't help it. While I realise that I'm putting myself in a very tricky and fragile situation, I still ~~have~~ ~~want~~ need to find out. Its happened before.. not going through with something and later regretting it. Maybe I don't want to have another "What if...?" chapter to wonder about, and so I'll walk this thin line. Even if it means falling.

I've figured out why my posts don't make much sense when I read through them again. Its because I don't give the details of who, what, where or when. Must be very confusing to anyone else who reads it. Heh.

I'm happy tonight (=

Thinking (can be a drag)

2008-12-13T23:16:00.022+08:00

I don't know. Feels like I'm back to my old self again. Way too many thoughts with hardly enough space in my mind to store them. I wish I could just sit here, let it all out and compose something that would make perfect sense to everyone, including myself. But I don't even know where to start.

I used to stay up all night because I was thinking about something in particular. Now I stay up all night thinking about what I'm thinking about. It's confusing. My mind is stuck in the past, concerned about the present, and contemplating the future.

Took a drive to nowhere again. I like driving around with no real destination, my favourite CD playing and I'd stop occasionally to shoot some (throw in a few beers and it'd be a perfect night out). It's what keeps my mind off of all this bullshit when I'm not at work. But even then... the thoughts wouldn't stop completely. They just won't leave me alone. Stopped at the grotto in SHC tonight. Would have brought candles if I knew where I was heading in the first place. But there were already a lot of lit candles when I arrived. Perhaps someone knew I was coming. Sat down, looked up at the statue, took some photos. Gave me a few minutes of calmness.

Work... I thought people look forward to weekends? Well right now, I'm dreading it. There's just too much time to think. I really need to keep myself preoccupied.

Come to think of it, I do know what I want. And I also know that what I want is probably something I can't have. It's always been like that.. and it took a pretty harsh lesson for me to learn to be content with what I have. But I'm stubborn. Seriously. Ask my mum.

In my mind, I take a deep breath and head straight down that road of uncertainty and everything works out fine in the end. But in reality, I'm standing still, sighing and feeling sorry for myself. Too afraid to move, too afraid to stand still. Sick of it.

Well I just scrolled up and read this post. Doesn't make much sense... as usual. Whatever.

New-old territory

2008-12-12T23:22:00.015+08:00

I haven't felt like this for quite a long time now. There's something scary, exciting, and stressful about it. And it's a feeling strong enough to bring me back to this blog.

If she knew how I felt, she'd probably laugh at me. My problem is that I tend to fall very easily.. if you get what I mean. And it's not the fault of someone else but rather my own. It's just me. Well, ego aside, I'm afraid of rejection. Heck, isn't everybody? But I find comfort in the thought that it may not be as I think. Maybe, just maybe, if she knew how I felt.. she'd tell me she felt the same. Probably unintentional but she gives me tiny glimmers of hope now and then. And that's all. But it's enough to keep me going.

It's pretty fucked up when life decides to throw you a curve ball or keeps you just out of reach of something you want.. like a kid standing tip-toed on a chair, arms stretched out as high as he can, fingers reaching for the cookie jar which his mom intentionally placed on the top shelf where she knows he can't get to it. But if that kid would step down for a second, identify the problem and grab the thickest book he can find from his mom's collection, it may just give him the extra height he needs. Yeahh... I get carried away sometimes.

But really, every time when it seems that an opportunity presents itself, it comes with obstacles. A challenge for me to overcome or a warning not to go forward? I don't know. I like taking risks but I don't like the unwanted outcomes. Selfish, stupid, naive, foolish, but most of all, determined. That's how I want to see it. Besides, how bad can it turn out? You can't break whats already broken now, can you?

Oh wait, maybe you can... damn. Would she want something that's already damaged?

On a ledge holding on to nothing, reaching out for nothing. Careful now, don't fall.

Blah. Beer is getting warm.

Still searching

2008-10-05T10:40:00.007+08:00

I am still searching. There are a lot of things I am searching for, and one of them is a direction in which to blog. I don't have one really. Come to think of it, I don't really want one. I post, I delete, I post, I delete. Who cares? This place exists purely for my own recreation.

But I'll try to keep it going this time.

Singapore was great. The whole night scene was just fantastic. That big wheel thing was nice too. Roads were bumpy though.

No, I wasn't in Singapore.