Of trains and the future

I'm not sure if I'm on the train, or standing on the tracks watching it approach.

The past couple of weeks have kept my mind quite occupied as I faced the dramas surrounding (or rather, engulfing) my workplace, and the opportunities that have presented themselves. I have learned to jump on the chance when it comes, but now I wonder if I'd bitten off more than I can chew. The prospects, should these undertakings be successful, are tempting but the actual work and effort required are of course worrying. It is here that her enthusiasm and optimism fuel mine, at a point where I'd rather make no promises and keep my reservations. We have a mutual belief in each other, though I must admit that her technical expertise is of utmost importance to keep this project in drive.

With at least two jobs lined up, the pressure builds. Planning needs to be done but I just can't put myself into gear, and my attention is not only divided between these two; It would seem that I have reached the stage where I can no longer just sit and wait for things to fall into place. The future beckons, and how I approach it will decide what it will look like. I've been looking into a few things, but I wouldn't say that any are even in an infancy stage. All are but ideas more than they are options.

Frankly, stress has gotten the better of me more than a few times lately. I know she means no harm when she talks about what lies ahead of us, but I can't help but feel the burden of the truth - there is no pause button in life.

So, with what I have going right now, I should feel that I'm moving forward and breaking into new territory. But with my mind uneasy and time against me, things could also hit me hard before I know it.

Shakespeare once said that all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players.. but he forgot to mention that all situations are props and how we make use of them affects the direction of the play.

WTF1

This season has been yet another circus. A backmarker team (with all due to respect to Brawn GP) leading the Championship, Macca and the Scuderia off to a slow start, Massa's freak accident, and the latest of course, Crashgate.

TBH, I found it nothing more than a terrific coincidence when Piquet Jr crashed and Alsonso took the win at SG last year and never thought it could have been a setup. I wouldn't have figured that Briatore was capable of such a despicable act.. he was one of the sport's bigshots that I would call a 'good guy'. But in hindsight, how caould he be, being such a close friend of the devil (read: Bernie Ecclestone) himself. Such a disappointment. I do hope however, that the FIA will consider Renault's stance in the situation and not ban them, and that Renault will put this behind them and carry on in F1.

I'm glad though, that Nelson Piquet Jr is gone. He was quite a bad driver anyway. And his father should shut up already.

The 2010 driver lineup rumour mill is really going now. It seems certain that Alonso will be heading to Ferrari, and I believe he will be there for quite a while because I doubt Massa will be able to return to F1.. at least not in the next few seasons. Rosberg heading to Macca is a good prospect, although I kinda pity Kovy. But what I'd really like to see, is Kimi rejoining Macca! This would mean Kovy would be released, Rosberg would join Renault? FI? And Alonso would team up with Fisi in Ferrari.. actually it doesn't matter as long as I get to see Kimi and Lewis together in Macca because that would be my dream team goddamit Macca would you guys just sign the Iceman already?!

I get carried away..

And just when I thought the season couldn't get any more ridiculous, it did! Surprise, surprise! Last week I saw a headline that Lotus might return to the sport.. and a few days ago our DPM Najib announced the confirmation of 1Malaysia Team F1 for the '10 season. Holyfuckingshit! He has got to be fucking kidding! Malaysia has already embarrased itself enough in the F1 world by allowing Alex Yoong to enter the cockpit, and the idea of a team run by Malaysians from top to bottom is just kicking yourself in the nuts.

I would like to ask Najib and his sidekicks what exactly will be the objectives of this team.. Do they plan to finish in the top 10 by the end of the season? Or maybe next? Or maybe even top 15? Second last? Wake the fuck up. You don't just decide one day that there will be an all Malaysian F1 team on the grid. You gotta sleep on it. For a year or two.

And whoever designed that scale model of the '1MF1' car must be either A) a kindergarten student or B) an idiot, because its as ugly as fuck.

The Singapore GP came and went and frankly, I was too caught up in trying to get good pictures to really enjoy the race. But overall, it was terrific. The atmosphere, the beer, the roar, and of course, the company. The race itself was great, but it was the events surrounding it that made things all the better. I knew she wouldn't enjoy it much, but she stuck through it all the way and never complained. Even when she felt dizzy. And it takes a lot to sit through an F1 race when you couldn't give a damn about who's leading. Best race I've been too by far. Thanks bb ;)

An aunt of mine said that once you've attented an SG GP, you'll never want to go back to Sepang.. and its true to a certain extent because a lifelong dream of mine would be to attend every single race on the calendar. Far fetched. Its just a dream.

A good thing that came out of this mad season is that Alonso, probably because of Renault's predicament, will be joining Ferrari next season to replace Kimi.. and although neither camps would confirm it, Kimi is set to return to Macca, replacing his underperforming fellow Finn Heikki.. which means the dream team will finally be formed!! Or at least it will be my dream team.

Tonight I watched my cat devour a lizard. No, I'm not sick. I was just waiting for him to be done with his meal so I can pick up the remnants and flush it down the toilet before my mum or sis finds it in the morning. Unfortunately, the cat felt I was about to steal his meal and made off with the corpse. Hope my dad wakes up early..

This post lacks head or tail because it took a few weeks to complete. Why? Maybe I've just been uninspired of late... but something's building up and it looks good. Forward march.

Living with a sleeping disorder

History

Since I can remember, I've always stayed up late at night. I recall spending time in my room playing with my Joes and Turtles or reading books which I've read ten times before, and although I had little concept of time then, I knew I kept awake pretty late. My mom would check on me every half hour or so, and I'd still be up, talking to plastic figures and making weird gunfire noises. She also told me about the time when I was even younger, when she'd have trouble making me sleep at night and the whole family, including my sister who would be asleep and had to be dragged into the car, would take a drive around town until I fell asleep.

All throughout school days I would have late nights, which probably explains why I hated school even more than the average kid. I only started to wonder about it however, when I was in college. Even after spending the whole day in classes and the whole night out with friends, I'd go home dead tired but unable to sleep. I tried counting sheep, dogs, cars, airplanes and stars.. nothing worked. My parents, among others, suggested that it was my lifestyle and caffeine intake and for a while, I thought so too. But after running tests on myself, I came to the conclusion that regardless of caffeine or nicotine or whatever else, come good night time, my mind just wouldn't shut off.

Conditioning

I've come to learn and accept that I have a sleeping disorder. And believe me, its not much fun. I suffer from what is called transient insomnia; insomnia that lasts for a few days up to a few weeks. In my case, it usually lasts for a few days or about a week. Insomnia, mind you, is a symptom and not an illness. Other forms of insomnia as I was told by my doctor were chronic (the most serious), acute, and a few others which I forget.

A sleeping disorder can become something dangerous if it interferes with your mental state. Thankfully, mine isn't that serious. I would say that it annoys me more than it worries me. Imagine going to bed at night knowing you have an early day tomorrow, but you just can't fall asleep no matter what. The harder you try, the more it aggravates you and your mind becomes more and more restless. The more restless your mind gets, the more awake you are. And before you know it, the sun has risen, your alarm clock is ringing and its time to 'wake up'! Its a vicious cycle.

It becomes difficult to concentrate and have your brain at full capacity when you lack sleep, but I've found myself conditioned to it and able to carry on the day as normal (or at least that's what I think). At times though, I feel robbed; Robbed of my actual potential and robbed of my time.

Perception

Given the option, I would prefer not to disclose or discuss my problem with anyone. Why? Simply because from experience, people tend to shrug it off or see it as an excuse. They either don't believe you, or they don't understand. They wonder why you're in a bad mood the whole day or whether you're on drugs. Can't really blame them actually.

Most would tell you that all you have to do is change your lifestyle or stop drinking coffee. Honestly, if it was that simple, then I swear world peace will become a reality. But it's not. I wish I had a Sleeping Disorders for the Shallow Minded book to give away every time someone thought I was just being an ass. You try staying awake for a 24 hours or more.

Promethazine

Until now, I've been given at least five different drugs (a couple of which I never told my parents about) to help me. But because I was diagnosed with only transient insomnia, doctors refuse to give me real sleeping pills and insist that I try to overcome it naturally.

The strongest I've been prescribed is Promethazine and anything less effective than that is worthless to me. Promethazine is primarily used for flus or runny noses, IIRC. It works as an antihistamine but has notable sedative properties as well. The first couple of times I took it, I got a bit high. The doctor never warned me about that. It did however, put me to sleep for a good 12 hours at least. I woke up groggy and in a daze.. a side effect which i was warned about. Since then, I tried not to take it unless it was absolutely necessary or it was the weekend. I have to say that its effect on me seems to be wearing down.. but I have to admit that being sedated can be quite a nice feeling.

Acceptance

I now understand my disorder, and I know that I can help myself lessen its presence. I've learned to recognise when my insomnia is returning and I'd take 'preventive ' measures. Which usually doesn't work. But at least I can brace myself for the sleepless nights ahead.

Although I've come to live with and think not much of it, At times I still wish I was normal. I tend to forget when it's gone and I get angry with myself when it hits me. It may not be life threatening, but it can be depressing. So the next time someone tells you they live with a sleeping disorder, remember that it's more serious than it sounds. It can fuck you up quite a bit.

Random midnight

It's surprising sometimes what conversation or reply one random sentence can generate. I posted an out-of-the-blue, JFF status update on my MW FB account which read, all i want is everything is that too much too ask. I have to admit that its not an original, but I always thought it held the simple fact that in truth, we all want what we want, regardless of how ridiculous, insane or impossible.. and regardless of whether we admit it or not.

A comment came soon after, one which was totally unexpected. Now, the majority of people in my MW FB account are unknown to me, beacause yeah, it was created solely for MW. Anyway, a lady posted this:

NO. I have decided that recently. There is *nothing*, wrong with going after what you really want, even if it seems like you're about to turn the whole world upside down. It's worth it just to TRY. What's the point in living if you don't at least TRY? ♥ I can't post this on my own page, but I can post it on yours... I have recently decided that I'm transferring my work license and moving back across the country to go after an ex who is now engaged to be married, just because I have this gut feeling that it's going to somehow work out. Stupid? Yes. Overly hopeful? Yes. But am I still going for "everything," despite what seems impossible? Yeah, I am. It's not too much to ask for if that's what you really want. (Unless, of course, you were just referring to your Mafia wish list, in which case, never mind just ignore me!!) :)

It left me kinda dumbfounded for a minute. Did I just open a helpline? I was gonna reply with a "haha, good one!" or something like that, but I realised that this wasn't just some random, nonsensical comment. My genius brain told me that this was a straight-from-the-heart admittance spurred by opportunity. An opportunity that manifested itself in the form of a status update. It was all too familiar, what she had said. So I replied,

wow. not an answer i was expexting, but wow! i agree. u should go for what u want or at least try. i recently took a big leap myself, despite how the odds were against me. and things worked out, thankfully. but even if they didn't, i knew i could tell myself i at least tried and i wouldn't have had to look back one day and wonder "what if..?"

all the best in your leap, i hope things turn out for the better. but i also hope u at least have a plan b in mind, even if its just a vague one.

and yepp, at the end of the day, what u want is all that should matter ;)... Read more

i wouldnt mind if u could fulfill my MW wishlist though :D jk

good luck!

And I honestly believe in that. Once in a while you should put aside worries, stop reading warning signs and go get what you want. And at the end of the day, should it all fail, you know that there will be no dreaded "what if..?" to haunt you.

So take a leap.. because being in the air is a nice feeling. Touching down on the other side to be greeted by a familiar smile however, is priceless ;)

August 1st

I'm taking a slightly different path this morning to express something I otherwise keep to a minimal on this blog: Malaysian politics.

A reported 20,000 people gathered to protest the ISA and to hand over a memorandum to the Royal Palace in KL on Saturday. While no direct reports were made that the crowds were physically violent, there were numerous reports of the cops firing water cannons and tear gas and making arrests. Why? Were the authorities threatened by automatic rifles or bombs or handguns or even knives? No. It was just another clear sign of uneccessary police brutality. Suffices to say that the rationale of the Malaysian police force (and government as well) is "I'm in charge, I can do what I want. So fuck you."

The memorandum never reached the palace.

Our PM, Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak, in all his wisdom, stated that the arrested protestors will have to deal with the consequences of their own stubborness, because he had already warned them not to participate but they did. My dear sir, don't you think that a 20,000 strong crowd was a good enough reason for YOU to listen to the people instead and maybe take heed? So much for being the people's PM.

On the other hand, the pro-ISA rally leader walked through the police barricade, alone and without police harrassment, to hand in their own memorandum. How come? Did he have magical powers of invisibility?? No. It was simply because the pro movement had cancelled their rally to show that they were not barbaric like those anti-ISA fools. No, these guys were rational, gentle, ass-kissing puppets.

This country is going down the drain faster than a speeding bullet and its pathetic.

Welcome to Malaysia.

A reason why

s y t h j n says (3:36 PM):

b.. wat if i go there to work and get so drawn into it that i become workaholic and stay in the office from 8 to 10 every day

and expect dinner to be hot

>>Jos<< says (3:39 PM):

Cool then I'd work late n meet u fir hot dinner or rather, supper then we head home yo sleep

If ur a workaholic then I can spend time dd other stuff too ma

>>Jos<< says (3:40 PM):

Or maybe go for yoga class or hv drinks while waiting for u to go hm together

Or buy u surprise hokkien mee to ur office coz u got no time to eat